Ramblings

Feeling incompetent

2011-06-01T01:37:00.000-06:00

You may be surprised that this isn't a familiar sensation for me. However, my ill-guided pursuit of nerdiness, apparently, knows no bounds.

I'm currently pecking this out under a new keyboard layout, programmer Dvorak. While I felt that the dividends would validate the investment... I'm not so sure while travailed.

So, currently, I've progressed from a comfortable 60-70 wpm to a halting 10-15 and now I can't even find my number keys. What I've discovered is some understanding of what illiteracy must feel like. I can't communicate via type so I have found myself not typing. My emails have become terse and my mood testy. And worse of all, my muscle memory is confused; when I was on a different work computer today I couldn't even use a QWERTY keyboard with any dexterity.

Maybe next time I have a crazy idea, I should write down my reasoning so I can remind myself why I'm doing it when I break something useful, like my ability to interact in our computing world. I'm curious to see if I quit or if stubbornness will drive me to completion.

Tradition

2011-03-07T21:41:00.000-07:00

Well, I think I need to make another blog once I'm over my venting habit, but why fight the status quo? I just spent 3 months pursuing a girl that was quite a bit different than any girl I'd dated prior. Anyway, things didn't work out, but I realize that as much as that can hurt, I'm really just glad to have seen the potential happiness. Kinda lame, perhaps, but I am grateful to have this attitude. I think that I've learned, again, that I can have sincere interest and the potential to love a girl (It wasn't serious, but I saw the potential).

See, sometimes I don't think that will happen. I think that all I'll ever find is disappointingly dry and uninteresting interactions with girls who seemed interesting at first. So, essentially, the failures seem to just be another education in continuing to hope. Now, I'm still angry and a little upset at the schizophrenic way things just ended, but at least I can hope again. Back to the circus...

Epic trip 2010

2010-08-23T09:58:00.001-06:00

I'm pretty sure that my blogging has become less and less entertaining in correlation with the amount of time school/education requires. That being said, there is a noticeable lack of interesting experiences when you spend 50-60 hours a week working in a research lab. In order to return to my former coolness, I found a sweet little adventure I decided I wanted a part of this summer.

In what had much grander aspirations but became a small group of committed individuals, I biked a portion of the Pacific Coast Highway on my road bike from August 13th to the 19th. I flew into San Jose and stayed with a friend of mine I had the pleasure of teaching/baptizing while a LDS missionary in Pullman, WA back in 2004. He picked me up from the airport and we were able to catch up for a while. That was a great moment in my trip that made my life better for remembering the experiences I had those 6 years ago.

The next morning, I fixed up my bike and joined up with the other 4 guys for our epic trip. We started biking from a friends house in San Jose about eleven in the morning on that Friday. We found ourselves fighting a headwind out towards the coast. Eventually, we were pushed over a mountain pass to avoid the freeway, and made our way out towards Monterey. It was cool to cold and a beautiful ride. To explain the logistics, we had 5 bikes and a support vehicle. So, between the 5 of us, at least one had to drive each portion of the road. So, I took my turn at the end of that first day, managing to schmooze us a free campsite for the night, as we were so cool to bike the coast. As it turns out, we were in Monterey during the Tour d`Elegance, an annual event involving expensive cars. So, we shared the road that weekend with dozens of Lamborghini's, Ferrari's, and other assorted rarities.

The following day brought us foggy weather and the hilliest portion of the trip. We had two big climbs to tackle that day, as well as an assortment of smaller gains and losses. Early in the day, a friendly gent let us sit in his 2010 Ferrari and take pictures... it was pretty awesome!! We then returned to the business at hand. All told, it was about 85 miles with 5000 feet of ascent mixed in. We ended up at a random field on the side of the ocean, cooking on the side of highway 1 and camping in the rocky meadow. It was a long day and a long night. It was great though, lots of pretty views that made it all worth it. It was 11 miles before the end when Jesse (our driver for the last leg) stopped us at the top of that first big climb near that mileage to tell us, 11 miles. This was an important announcement, as we didn't know where we were sleeping that night yet. Anyway, so I was thinking 'yeah, yeah, I can do that' while eating dried fruit and rehydrating from the sweat bath the last climb had induced. So, I start that downhill and then come around a corner to see the road dropping in front of me, but higher than me on the other side of the canyon. I was a little angst, but that last 8 miles, after the real final climb, were surreal. I was biking on empty roads, with the wind, my breathing, and the quiet whirring of my well-tuned bike beneath me. It was a spiritual experience. At the camp, we ate food, washed ourselves off with a wet rag to remove the sweat residue, and went to bed ASAP. Good times.

The next morning was windy and cold, but we started off early to make the 50 mile trip to church by 1pm. I only made it about 20 miles before my joints and legs said 'no more' and I elected to take a rest day. We snuck into a building on Cal-Poly campus in San Luis Obispo to shower before church. We found a campsite, and an In-N-Out that evening, and life was sweet.

Danny with our steak.

Monday, we started pretty late, but biked the 90+ miles to Santa Barbara. There was a set of big hills, and a stiff headwind through the inland portion of that day. I drove the second to last leg. I got back on the bike, once again, having no idea where we were gonna stay. We dropped down out of a canyon onto the 101 with 30+ miles left to Santa Barbara. I had a 15mph average for the day thus far, and felt strong, so I broke ahead of the group and charged as hard as a could, to end up with a 16.3 mph average for the day. I felt really good about that, even as I pulled in at 73 miles for the day. It felt really good to try to bike hard and actually have my legs and lungs respond (the last three days had been rough on me...) We managed to find a place to stay in an on-campus, summer season hotel thing. It ended up being perfect, with access to 6 showers and a full kitchen so we could cook steak. I love food under normal circumstances, but on this trip, I think I ate every hour. I woke up hungry and stayed that way pretty much all day.

Anyway, the next day we headed out for Malibu Beach, 90 miles away. We didn't make it but 100 ft from the start when a bike collision with a beach cruiser on UCSB campus resulted in a broken wheel for one of our bikes. Jon and his bike hopped into the support vehicle to find a bike shop. My knee was starting to tighten up on me while biking, but I rode until late in the afternoon. I joined the chase vehicle for the last 25-30 miles and bought pizza for our dinners, and found an In-N-Out to replenish my personal energy again. We arrived at a RV campsite in Malibu to have the management tell us that one of us couldn't sleep there unless we paid for an additional campsite. We thought that was dumb, and planned on sending one of us to sleep in the vehicle offsite. It was about then that we met our friendly neighbors, two girls on a 6 week trip to the US from Ireland. They shared their site, allowing us all to sleep in the same area. It turned out rather perfect, as we were all able to have a great time discussing life, religion, traveling, and culture.

The next morning, some biker friends from back in Provo who were visiting the area joined us for about 15 miles of our ride through Malibu. We cruised along the beach paths for most of the day, but eventually, had to cross over a peninsula south of LA, near Torrence, CA. As we dropped over the top of the peninsula, we found ourselves entering a very different part of California. We were in the industrial part of Long Beach, dodging trash piles and road debris. It wasn't nice. Eventually, we got back onto a bike path, very near the West Coast Choppers shop. However, we had a flat at that point. So, we quickly fixed it and began using a second CO2 canister to top off the tire when it exploded between the four of us. Ears ringing, we counted our assets to discover that we had no more CO2 to fix the tire again. So, we called for the chase vehicle and waited under an overpass with the hobos. We were really excited to get back on the road. We kept biking along the bike trail and beaches until we made it to an In-N-Out (favorite stop, apparently) for some much needed calories. We were just north of Huntington Beach and, again, didn't know where we were staying. So, Jesse, the champ who was suffering from a very painful leg cramp that prevented him from biking very much, went on the search while we kept biking. We made it to Laguna Beach where we sat on the beach and discovered that Jesse had found a cheap hotel room for us. We all went and showered before heading out to find an Italian restaurant to carb load for what we knew would be a 100+ mile day to finish at the border the next day. We finally found a place, ordered what the hostess said was 'lots and lots of food' and discovered that we have vastly different definitions. Thankfully, they kept enough water coming (4 pitchers or so) and enough complimentary bread (8 loaves) to keep us from buying more food. We went back and went to bed in the hopes of making an early start the next morning.

At 9 am, we left from Laguna and headed out for our longest day. We biked through Camp Pendelton and met some very friendly bikers along our path. We made pretty good time, until about half-way at 2pm. It was then that we had 3 flat tires in short order and Jon bought a new tire to go with his new wheel. Once Jon's third flat hit, we left him to meet up with Jesse and fix his bike while Danny, Nate and I kept on. About 10 miles later, we noticed that I had a seriously out-of-true wheel. When I looked at it, I found I had a broken spoke, but we kept riding as we had many miles left. We biked over a sizable hill in 'Torrey Pines', just north of La Jolla and then dropped over the ridge towards San Diego. I found a bike shop and paid them to fix my spoke and then we were off again. As we were making our way out of San Diego, I got a flat and we didn't have any replacement tubes with us. So, we called Jesse. He came with a tube and brought Jon, who was able to borrow Jesse's bike to begin the last stage. We biked the last handful of miles to the Ferry, where we caught a boat for Coronado. It was 7:40 (sunset at 8) and we had 18 miles to make the Mexican border. We got off the boat and hauled. For a time, we were biking along a bike path on Silverstrand Beach with no lights, and were pushing 22 mph. That's fast for the dark, and at miles 85-95. Anyway, we pushed hard, I promise. We eventually found ourselves at a T in the road, with a Border Patrol truck parked at the corner. So, we talked to him. At first, he was kinda cold and concerned we were gonna try and goof off at the border. He told us numbers and about the types of people who try to cross there each night. Overall, he was pretty cool. He let us take a picture with him, told us about the cameras, infrared and visible which were seeing us, and gave us directions to get some cooler pictures. So, we kept biking. We eventually ran into yet another border patrol dude who we again had to convince that we weren't goofing off. He gave us more directions for cool pictures and again we were off. The second border patrol guy came tearing along a dirt embankment next to us for a sweet photo opp as we headed for the pedestrian gate. We took our photos and then headed to whatever restaurant we could find for our dinner (930 pm, and at mile 103). Finally, food. We drove to a Motel 6 and crashed. Jon and I had to catch a train at 630 to meet up with my brother and sister-in-law to drive to Utah, so it was a short night. Altogether, a very memorable trip that I'll never forget. I feel incredible.

'I need to wash my hair' and other excuses

2010-06-17T22:27:00.001-06:00

I feel like I can vent about something, so I'll post it here for anyone bored enough to peruse my rant.

I just received a return phone call from a girl. She made some comments about how her 'classes were going to be hard' and 'lots of things going on' with her family. While these are likely valid statements; they are no less complete BS. What she really is saying is: 'you aren't someone I feel is worth my valuable time.' Now, this is admittedly a harsh phrasing of her meaning; yet it really grasps its reality. I'll admit that for me, this is a relatively easy thing to accept, as the fact that she doesn't know me is the reason for the rejection. Hence, I can retain me confidence that if she really knew me, there wouldn't be that problem. There is a tinge of regret, as this girl was really going to get the best of my considerable dating expertise; she is someone I find intimidating which results in motivation in planning.

I'll admit that I didn't make it easy for her to ramble through her logical reasons why she doesn't have time for me. I remained silent and attentive to her words while she went through all the reasons she could muster. At the end, I kinda let her have it... with decent restraint, I think. I told her she'd done a good job expressing all her reasons. I then, and I'm really proud of this, I wished her luck with the trials and tribulations of her difficult life and her difficult classes. I may have overstepped things with 'it must be hard to be so busy.' However, I feel pretty good with myself.

Tales from a strange land

2010-06-06T18:09:00.004-06:00

Well, as our AC doesn't work, I can't take my customary sunday nap and instead am going to blog.

I picked my title because Provo gets stranger and stranger the longer I am here. As much as I have come to love the friends I have made here; I also grow more aware of the eccentricities that knock Provo down the list of places I want to live. That being said, I can't think of a place that is probably better for me right now.

That being said, I'd like to relate a story that adds to my list of crazy dating experiences... This one comes at the end of a lovely experience dating a nice girl; 21, smart, sharp wit, pretty, but neurotic enough to like me... Anyway, I felt like things weren't going to work out, after 5 weeks, and had a talk, actually 3 talks over 3 days, and broke up. I thought we were good, but a week after the first talk, I got a text while at a family gathering. In it she made reference to a previous conversation when she'd said she wasn't good at hating people and then stated that she was learning; followed by 'Congratulations.'

Anyway, so I tried to find out why she hated me and she replied with a short list: ...figured out what you did... ...not everyone has dated like a bajillion people... ...this was a big deal for me... ...you used me...

Crazy right? So, I had a lovely talk with her about that; naturally, but she conceded that she really didn't think any of those things but was just having a really hard time with everything. I can understand that and all... but I was just very surprised to have such craziness dished out on me. So, that's my story. Hope you enjoyed it more than I did... haha.

Ego

2009-10-31T02:03:00.003-06:00

This last July 4th, I hung out with a good friend of mine, one I'd known since fall of 2005. She and I were talking about life back then and particularly about how incredibly arrogant and prideful I was. I've thought often on her observation. I really was conceited. Now that I've recognized that, I realized that I was the kind of person that I've always found annoying.

That being said, I was also happy then. Maybe this is just the 'rose colored glasses' thing, but I really think I was happy then. I was also more decisive, bolder, and decidedly less tasteful. I wore garish outfits and told stories about myself with gusto. I was my own hero and I was so sure that everyone would love me if only they knew enough about me. I bet girls just laughed at me.

I am different now. I am more composed, more reserved, and a much more effective student. However, I've lost a lot of the capacity I had to be likeable. There wasn't much mystery with the old me. I was just me. Now, I've got layers and protection. I've become a shelled person. My date plans used to always be centered on breaking shells, but I've actually immunized myself against shell breaking. I don't take chances; I protect myself by knowing exactly how to avoid breaking my own shell.

I think I'm missing out on something sweet. I think I'm missing out on the chance to benefit from growing outside my comfort zone. Yep, I'm a bum. Crap.

Provo

2009-07-30T23:24:00.002-06:00

Well; I've finally been able to admit it to myself. I've had a bad attitude. I've been blaming Provo for being 'less than Rexburg' which is probably a very true statement... (I'm biased, I love Rexburg.) That being said, it still is no excuse for not throwing myself into the Provo chapter of my life with more enthusiasm and cheer.

Unfortunately, this realization comes to me after I think I've already established more friends here than I really deserve, considering my poor attitude. I'm happy to be here for the opportunity it really is for me; both academically and socially. Where could I have gone from Rexburg that would have afforded me both aspects? I'm pretty blessed. Who cares that I never thought I'd be here... Surprise Ryan!! I'll just move on, enjoy what this has to offer me, and stop complaining.

So, here is my game plan: don't talk about how much better Rexburg is anymore (at least in Provo), leave my apartment to visit someone every night, and plan an activity once a week to invite people to participate in. Additionally, I should probably set some goals regarding dating.... but I think I'll leave those off the internet... wouldn't want anyone to be able to hold me to them... haha!

Someone's got to be ready to break the curse in 8 months...

(Chris to Jon: 6 months?
Jon to Bryce: 7 months?
Bryce to ________: 8 months... Right?)

No witness till after...

2009-04-02T23:56:00.002-06:00

It has been a long school year for me. Last September, I was anticipating the interview offers from medical schools to come pouring in. I received a total of 3. Now, I'm not complaining, as 3 is certainly enough if one lets you in. I interviewed with my top two schools and then received rejection letters in January. Thankfully, I am blessed, and I was inspired to apply to graduate programs before their deadlines at the end of that same month. I applied, and today I was accepted to the place I was inspired to apply to.

I have been accepted into the doctorate program of biochemistry at BYU. I never, ever, ever wanted to go to grad school, nor to BYU. That being said, I guess I am going to do both. The President of BYU-Idaho, Pres. Kim B. Clark, teaches a principle of how the Lord "educates your desires" till you, in fact, desire what He knows is best for you. I think I've experienced it. I'm super excited. This is gonna be fun!! So, for the family that might read this... I'm gonna go to BYU and get a PhD in Biochemistry. Wow... crazy!

Hmm... ice....

2009-03-01T16:13:00.002-07:00

Shoot, I should have added this to my bucket list so I could have marked it off. I totally went Ice climbing. It was fantastic!! It was a super brisk morning but the ice was good. It's a surreal experience, the other falls I climbed more especially. As I would swing an ice axe above my head into a chunk of ice and have pieces fly off into the air, I pondered how cool it is to stand on a pillar of ice. Chunks of ice would fracture off to fall as I would use the axe, making it all the cooler... I loved it. I totally want to do it again, I'll add more pictures as they are emailed to me.

Oh, and FYI, it was Hyalite Canyon, just south of Bozeman, MT.

Light

2008-09-10T07:08:00.004-06:00

In the midst of life's trials, it often seems that there is nothing but the darkness. However, it is the little things that bring back a healthy perspective. I'm grateful for a couple of things right now. The first is that I have finally applied myself to the promise from the Doctrine and Covenants Section 88:124. Because of that, I am up before the sun these days. The second thing that comes to mind is how nice it is to have a bedroom window that faces east. The third thing is that the sun rises each morning, shattering the darkness and restoring light and life to the world. Count my many blessings.

Yogi man

2008-04-02T23:23:00.003-06:00

I’ve really enjoyed the time I’ve spent studying and practicing yoga. I found that when I could no longer focus that doing yoga has helped me to reestablish my focus and ability to concentrate and finish the tasks ahead of me. I’ve always wanted to develop more flexibility and balance and the asanas have helped me to gain an appreciation for what I can accomplish. I still need to apply myself further, but I am awakened to the possibilities. As a show of my growth, I took some pictures of my yoga asanas.

It’s been awesome and I’ve learned a lot; most importantly, I have enjoyed it. I think it is added to my list of party tricks.

Progression...

2008-03-17T22:40:00.003-06:00

What a unique concept, one I try to live my life by. I try to progress from day to day, continually changing and morphing my self to reach a greater height of excellence and ability and knowledge and wisdom. Its hard. Progression requires so much. Why do I bother?

Take my academics: Here I am, working my tail off trying to accomplish things at an ever greater rate while increasing the difficult of the content in concert. Why didn't I start off with long hours and then gradually decrease the credit hour commitment while the courses became more time consuming? I reason that it is because at the time, I actually thought I was working hard. Funny! I don't think I even studied more than a few hours for my first chemistry class, all semester long! Ha, I don't even want to think about how much time I am committing to each class now... It's many orders of magnitude greater than 2 1/2 years ago... What is another 2 1/2 years going to bring?

Progression seems to have a different meaning in my other aspects of life. As I progress in school, I've found that I am spending less and less time in the pursuit of social success. Perhaps it is a beneficial thing as I remove frivolous relations from my life and replace them with more lasting ones... wait... I still don't have any relations that are going to endure anything longer than the forseeable future... shoot, I suppose that isn't working... Hmm..., perhaps I am just getting lazier and lazier and calling it responsibility? I think that has some truth, as self-condemning as it is...

It seems like I become less healthier, less outgoing, less energetic, and more boring as my life is progressing... I think I need to play harder or something... Someday I'll figure out how this whole "progression" thing works... for now, I'll just keep giving it my best efforts and trusting that all will work out for the best as long as I am willing to strive.

A paper on dating, co-written with a girl in my class

2007-11-29T00:50:00.000-07:00

Dating is awkward, but so is becoming the crazy cat lady or the creepy old man. As fellow travelers on this rollercoaster o’ joy, we thought we’d share some insights we’ve gained through the many highs and lows regarding the social interaction known as “dating.” We have made our share of mistakes, and we’ve seen the mistakes of many others; collectively, there are a lot of crazy things that happen in our world of dating. And so here we are, writing to you, the many of you that claim “single” on facebook, in the attempt to help you avoid some of the errors we have witnessed, or committed, in our collective years of experience. We offer a no guarantees, we aren’t qualified to help you get married or anything… but there are some common misunderstandings that once corrected will help ease the pain and make this journey more enjoyable.

And now, you may ask, “why listen to you? “ Our response,” why not?” We may have nothing to offer that you don’t already know, you’re smart like that, but why not find out if you can gain from our experiences?

We’ll take a look at a typical progression through a first date as a platform for our discussion. We’ve included, for our enjoyment, some semi-fictional “case studies” about the various situations encountered.

The Flirt

Welcome to the crucial first step. Without this, you ain’t goin’ nowhere! And so, perhaps a definition is in order:

Ryan: Well, this is a hard one because flirting isn’t the same for everyone. Flirting isn't a list of to-dos or anything complex. Flirting is a desire to progress an acquaintancy into a friendship or a potential dating relationship. By appropriate flirtation, everyone can feel happier and experience a boost in confidence. Flirting is the way we can express our interest in another individual in general. If everyone flirted more, we could all experience these boosts and upliftment more often…

Krista: Everyone has their own way of flirting. If you’re like Ryan, you use some cheesy pick up line to break the ice. These unfortunately don’t work out too well. Just say “hi” and let the conversation flow.

Ryan: Thanks… About lines… here’s a story from my life, names changed to protect me.

Case Study #1— Joey

There she was, looking all pretty, just like she had all semester… If only Joey could work up the courage to talk to her. He took Interpersonal Communications for this very reason… unfortunately, he's failing because all he does is day-dream about Lisa... Lovely Lisa! He'd been reading poetry, trying to find the right words to approach her.

Finally, the last day of class arrived. After reciting his Lisa-inspired poem 14 times, numerous late-night roomie pep-talks, encouragement from his Mommy, and a final text-message "CHICKEN!" from his last mission companion, Joey stopped her in the hallway.

His mouth hung open, awkwardly, and haltingly the words began… "Hey , uh, your shoe is untied."

Any of that sound familiar?

Ryan: If only Joey had studied meticulously Krista’s amazing guide to flirting; she is an expert!

Krista: The first thing every boy or girl should know about flirting is that it does not always come naturally. Everyone can be a good flirt, but it may take some practice. Flirting is all about making others feel good. Before you can do that you, yourself, need to be confident and like who you are. The two go hand in hand; the more you flirt, the more confident you will be.

Ryan: People tend to underestimate their own worth, and I’m no exception. We all struggle with selling ourselves short. We are our own worst critics and although it can motivate us to push ourselves, there are negative influences as well. Dating is all about being willing to be yourself, your truest self because when you are you will be able to connect with others. It takes courage and it’s hard, but the hard is what makes it so great! When you are sincere and the other person is sincere there can be magic that makes all the difficulty worth it. But if, in that situation, either of you is false it is ruined.

Ryan: Being you is the key to success in dating. Hitch states that “’you’ is a very fluid concept right now.” This holds true. Being yourself doesn’t mean that you can’t change and progress, it just means that you don’t hide who you are, what you feel, what you think and where you want to be.

Krista: Here are some basic points on how to be good at flirting. Don't worry if you are not a natural flirt. If you follow these simple guidelines you will be a pro in no time!

A Guide to Flirting:

1. Smile! A simple smile can brighten anyone's day. When you smile, it makes you more approachable. A smile sends off a signal of, "come talk to me, I won't bite." Krista: Girls, it might just be the one thing to give guys the courage to walk right up and talk to you.

2. Eye contact. Eye Contact is an essential social skill. Making and holding eye contact appropriately while conversing is good manners and shows your confidence. Making eye contact with your interest lets them know you might be interested. Krista: Girls, when he meets your eyes, hold his gaze for a few seconds then look away. Try flashing him a smile just as your eyes meet, and you'll have him hooked. Ryan: Catch the hint dudes! You just got a stamp of approval! Better get moving! Fortunately, you will have to do more than just catch her eye, you get to approach her!

3. Touch. Repetitive touching shows that you are interested in being more than just a friend. A word of caution here is to not be overly aggressive. In any physical interaction, your enthusiasm and energy should reflect your interest level. Ryan: Guys, don’t burst any bubbles! Respecting their comfort level is paramount. And yet, don’t be a wuss; just pay attention to her response. Krista: Simple touches will do the trick. Girls, casually touch his hand, leg or shoulder while talking. Or playfully hit him when he teases you. Ryan: Very few guys are dense enough to miss that one!

4. Attention. Attention shows your sincere interest in the person, as a whole. Everyone has different emotional needs, some are high, some are low, but everyone can appreciate talking to someone who sincerely cares to know more about them. When conversing, pay attention, Listen! Ask questions and share your opinions. Krista: Girls, guys love attention from the opposite sex. Be careful not to smother him with attention. It is ok to flirt slightly with other guys around you, but make sure to give the guy you want most of your attention. Ryan: Guys, in what is surely a major point of confusion, the “extra” attention we attempt to give simply isn’t enough. Girls don’t speak our language on this one. You have to step out of your fuzzy little comfort zone and do something that will actually stand out to the girl. Krista: Girls like it when guys are spontaneous and do things they know we like to do, even if it isn’t something they enjoy so much.

5. Friends: Friends are important and we should all have some. Ryan: Guys, sometimes we have crushes on our friends. It’s okay to go on a date with them, who cares if she “likes” you or not, just do it, you’ll have fun and maybe something marvelous will occur. If you are truly friends, you won’t be ruining your friendship in the slightest. Krista: Girls, it is great to have friends. Everyone should have friends. But guys will not ask you out if you are constantly with 10 of your girlfriends. They are intimidated by you as it is, but they are terrified when you are surrounded by other girls. When you catch eyes with a guy you might be interested in, take a second to step away from the group. Just long enough for him to come up and talk to you. Ryan: Please note guys, she said a second, you’d better move quickly! If you don’t remember, that’s one-alligator.

The Ask

Just do it! This is the dude’s responsibility. Don’t just ask a girl at the beginning of a conversation, try this one out: Talk to her first! And try calling it a date. Krista: When a guy says, “we should hang out sometime” it’s not very impressive. However, when he says, “will you go on a date with me Friday night?” I am much more interested. Girls like knowing if it is a date.

Don’t NOT ask a girl out because you are intimidated by her; trying is worth more than being flawless when you are approaching a girl. Being nervous is normal; some people just hide it better. The effort is telling the girl that you are trying. You’ll fail, but she’ll appreciate the effort and what it means. Krista: Girls find it flattering when a guy is nervous to ask them out so don’t worry about it too much. Just do it!

Although you don’t need a plan when you call, having some idea in mind and a timeframe for her to plan one is best. If she knows how long to plan on, you can bet she’ll be more likely to commit (to the date, slow down!)

Elder Oaks has taught us much… yes, yes, we know the talk is taboo, but get over it and listen up.

Gone is the clumsy and inexpensive phone call your parents and grandparents and I used to make. That call went something like this: “What’re ya doin’ tonight? How about a movie?” Or, “How about taking a walk downtown?” Cheap dates like that can be frequent and nonthreatening, since they don’t seem to imply a continuing commitment. (“The Dedication of a Lifetime,” May, 2005)

The Date

Case Study #2—Billy

Billy arrives at Susie's door, 25 minutes late for their first date. He is unshaven, and smells like a basketball game. Susie wrinkles her nose in disgust and wonders 'when will this be over?' Billy asks, "So, what do you wanna do?" Susie tried to think of an excuse. Billy decided they'd go bowling, because there's nothing else to do in Rexburg. Billy and Susie strolled through the Gardens, awkwardly passing 7 couples engaged in "friendly" conversation, on their way to the MC. Once there, they discovered that the bowling lanes were all reserved. Billy asks, "Any ideas?" Billy decides he's hungry. Off to the galley they go. Billy pays for himself. Susie stands looking confused as Billy walks towards the food.

Susie is feeling particularly forgiving tonight, and decides, since she is hungry, to pay for herself. As she grabs her own tray, Billy tells her about the amazing pasta entrée he'd discovered. They find their way to a table, and end up sitting next to his basketball buddies. The smell is unbelievable. Billy remembers to introduce her, as he finishes his fourth helping of fried chicken. One problem, Billy forgot something. "Sarah?, Sally?, what was your name again?"...

Second Date?

Krista: I don’t think so!

Ryan: Besides the general lack of courtesy and etiquette, Billy forgot one little detail… one very important, not-so-little detail called planning.

Krista: Here is when Ryan’s date planning guide would come in handy.

Date planning 101

First, I think it is important to realize that you should plan well. You should show your appreciation to the lovely young lady who said yes, allowing you, a bum, to take her on a date. Plan it well. Examine your goals and plan accordingly. Some of your goals should include:

1. Having fun

2. Impressing her

3. Getting to know her

With your goals chosen, you should choose activities that will accomplish them. Therefore, almost every date should be interactive and provide plenty of opportunities to converse.

Krista: I love going on interaction dates where I am able to talk to the guy and get to know him. Some of my favorites are making dinner together, playing a game, or just going on a walk.

Ryan: There isn’t a secret recipe for a perfect date. Do normal things and make them fun. Everyone is busy. Respect her time by keeping most dates short and sweet, leave her wanting more(hopefully...)

Ryan: Dating inexpensively allows for more frequent dating and helps develop bonds of friendship and understanding. Dating on a budget requires more creativity and personal effort that shows your true character, rather than the quality of your bank account or your credit card limit.

A date is just that. One date means nothing more than a small number of hours in each other’s company. Elder Oaks has told us that “to go on a date is not to imply a continuing commitment.” Most first dates you go on won’t result in anything more. Elder Oaks offers a definition; ”dating is pairing off to experience the kind of one-on-one association and temporary commitment that can lead to marriage, in some rare and treasured cases.” Only one of your first dates will be that rare and treasured. Application? Chill out and just have fun. If it doesn’t go well, it was only a few hours, move on and don’t stress it. It takes two to progress in any relationship. It’s no one’s fault if things don’t “click.” Ryan: Perhaps you should be aware of the common themes as you are dating. It’s good to know what qualities you are looking for, but realize that you are wrong on a few accounts. Date for a variety of qualities, that way you can learn which ones really matter. Krista: You probably have a certain type of person you usually date, but you never know who you could connect with. You just might end up falling for someone you would never expect.

The Doorstep

The doorstep doesn’t have to be as scary and awkward as some people make it out to be. Ryan: If she’s worth kissing, it’s worth waiting for. Krista: It definitely shouldn’t occur at the doorstep either!

After walking your date to her door, thank her for going on the date with you. Ryan: This is a perfect opportunity to test the second date water temperature. Say something like, “I enjoyed your company and would like to take you out again.” Her response tells you what you need to know. Krista: If she hesitates it probably means she isn’t that interested. But if she agrees and seems excited it’s a good sign she’ll give you another shot. Give her a hug and make your exit.

The Post-Date

There seems to be a tendency toward over-analyzing social interactions. Don’t fall into that trap. Think back, and decide if you had fun. That is all that matters at this stage of the game. Ryan: Ladies, if you appreciate the date and especially if you had a great time and are interested in further dates; tell him so. It’s easiest with a text or perhaps even an email. No guy will miss that signal or will be frightened off by such a sincere expression of, “I had a great time, thank you for taking me on our date. (Insert inside joke/tease/reference here).” Personally, the post-date text after I dropped off a girl is pure gold. Krista: Even if I had a great time, I would never suggest another date. That is the guys’ responsibility. It can be very frustrating, but girls, you must be patient!

The Next Week

Now this is the hard part… you have to remember if you had fun last time. If you did, men, you ask her out again. That is the entire equation. You don’t have to consider anything! Isn’t that nice? Girls, the same applies with a slight modification… you have to think a little further ahead. You mustn’t give a man a false hope if you are not interested. Be mindful that he might surprise you and could be what you are looking for. Give him at least two chances if there is any potential.

Case Study #3—Katrina

Mike had a great time after his second date with Katrina. Katrina, on the other hand, didn't feel Mike could live up to her knight in shining armour, Elder Tubb. Tuesday afternoon, Mike runs into Katrina in the library and asks her on a date for Friday evening. Feeling slightly squeamish, she replies, "Uh, I have to wash my hair. It’s not you, it’s me. I think I'm busy. I just want to be friends. I'm not looking for a relationship." Mike completely thrown off by her comments, stammers out, "k then, see you later."

Ryan: Wow, sounds far too familiar… oh, the memories!

Krista: Girls, if you really aren’t interested in another date be honest, but at the same time, let him down gently. Guys have feelings too.

Ryan: It’s true! We are just too tough to let you see them. I think that the most important thing you can do, in respecting us, your suitors, is to be honest and considerate. Both, at the same time will be true and yet will also be gentle to our sensitive side. As much as we might not want to be rejected, it’s better to get it out of the way before both sides have invested more time, effort, and often pain into something that shouldn’t have happened.

Krista: It’s hard to turn a guy down, but you need to respect his time and your time.

There is the other side here. What if she says yes? Let the games begin!

The wonderful thing about dating is that “it allow[s] you to see how you treat others and how you are treated in a one-on-one situation. It [gives] opportunities to learn how to initiate and sustain a mature relationship.” (That was your favorite Elder Oaks again)

Beyond the first date, being open with your feelings will become steadily more important. Don't be fake. Be real, be yourself and then you can find a true relationship, instead of one where you are acting as other than who you really are. When someone hasn’t learned who they are, they are unable to connect in meaningful ways with others.

Ryan: Learn what you are looking for and don't be indecisive. If you don't know who you are, you won't find yourself by meeting others. Go on a social sabbatical and discover yourself in your own room, or outdoors… a life-threatening experience usually helps out.

Krista: Communication is pretty much the only way to know if the relationship will progress into anything more than a first date. Both of you need to be honest and say what you are feeling. Don’t leave them wondering when you can so easily reassure them.

In the “rare and treasured case” we find happiness beyond our ability to comprehend, but it will require a lot of effort to achieve. And so we ask, shouldn't dating be one of the hardest things to do? Shouldn't it hurt and ache and heal and make you sigh with joy and contentment, all in the same week? Fortunately, it will!

Flirting Homework... it's a rough life in Idaho!

2007-11-15T00:24:00.000-07:00

Thursday, November 15, 2007 12:09 AM

Well, today was an interesting one. I always enjoy Wednesdays because I am so busy I can’t waste time. Today was no exception. As a funny story, I feel like writing about what happened while I was taking pictures to illustrate the different sections of the paper I am writing with a girl in my class about dating/flirting and general relationships. The paper is a blast to write and I am thoroughly enjoying working with this girl. She is much cooler than I could have thought, but that doesn’t really matter for this story. We took pictures of people proposing, flirting, dating, doorstep sceneing, swooning, and screaming out their elation at a return phone call. For the swooning, we had visited about 8 girl apartments, taking dozens of photos that just didn’t quite do it… Finally, we are knocking on doors in my ward to find a girl who can pull off the swoon. I knocked on a door of a girl (I’ll call her Lesley) I took out just Saturday for the second time. I kinda like her, not sure yet, but still, there is a history. I expected her to be out, she usually is on Wed. nights at an event on campus. Tonight, tonight she surprised me. So, I show up, knocking at her door with a cute girl from my English class to take “pictures about dating,” and asking her to swoon like she just got off a great date. She pulled it off marvelously, in one single shot! It was amazing, but then the two girls started talking… girls… and both of them kept giving me the eye of “all-knowing girl power.” It was disturbing and had to stop so I pointed out that Lesley needed to “keep studying.” Boo yah, ackward situation ended… It was the final picture, so classmate and I were done.

Unfortunately I had embarked on a research project plan to study the efficacy of various flirting techniques. In hind sight, I give it 2 thumbs down. It is incredibly difficult to flirt with dozens of girls at a country dancing night without dancing with every single one… It took work and more courage than I wanted to expend. I eventually started using this lame line to initiate conversation… “Do you know how much polar bears weigh? (negative response) Me neither, but I bet it’s enough to break the ice!” Lame huh? I was actually saying that tonight! I’ve gotten much worse at flirting over the last 2 years… How did that happen? Have I become more lame? Well, I gave it my best shot and unfortunately I will have to do another night of it after Thanksgiving break.

Summer Loving...

2007-08-02T20:39:00.000-06:00

Unlike the Grease story, in my life there isn't any. I have been having a fantastic time back home for the summer... there has been a ton of fun had for me. I have loved it! However, per Ryan-style, there has been the ubiquitous drama. I've gone on dates with one girl in particular, who I can't read. I have no idea. She is a complete and utter mystery to me. I've lost my touch or something... I haven't any idea! ANY!! I can't even decide about her in general, but the mystery takes away any possibility of me trying to act on anything prior to leaving town for the school year. It's absurd!

In other news, I have had a long standing crush on a girl I met a year ago. At the time, I was her "adult supervision" at a week-long adventure camp. She was 18 and I was 22. This year, I worked with her in a very similar capacity for one week. I was still very impressed with her. On Friday night after the camp was over, I asked her to go on a date with me that very night. It was a fantastic evening. I loved it, she was a blast! I called her a week later, now from 250 miles away, to say that despite the distance, I would like to go out with her again. I asked if she would help me to do that by letting me know when she would be available. I haven't heard from her in nearly 3 weeks now. I just wish she would call me back. I finally called her last weekend to say "Hi, call me please!" I'm hurt. I had a great time! I think she did too... Why hasn't she simply called me back? Argh!

Well, I have supported my statement regarding drama following me around like a sad little puppy. Maybe I am a sad little puppy? Argh!

Learning hurts

2007-05-16T23:30:00.000-06:00

Well, here I am. I met a lovely young lady in February who, amazingly, liked me. We began to date a little and clicked, we hooked up, and then I broke up. I realized I missed her and so I slowly convinced her to give me "another shot." We finally got back right before the semester broke up for the summer in early April. I drove to her home in Twin Falls to see her, she came back and helped with an orientation program I had worked on; then we went our separate ways for the summer. In early May, she was down here in Utah and we spent a day together. All was well! This last week, something wasn't feeling right about the entire situation... I have been feeling emotionally ill about everything. Tonight, she broke up with me. My guess is that she has developed feelings for another guy. We haven't missed a single night of talking on the phone since we parted our ways for the summer. Now it begins. I feel relief. I have been constantly reversing my feelings for her, not of my own choice, and it is good to have an opportunity to resolve the issues in my life without this complication. She is a fantastic girl and has so much to offer... but the timing, if not the entire relationship, wasn't so good... I am better now. I have learned this well, that dating will always be a painful experience. I have never had such a great time with anyone... but there has been so much bad too... I feel like the two experiences I have had in the 9 months have taught me the extremes. Now I must look for emotional compatibility in between these two. I am vacillating even now.
I look at her facebook photos and think... man, she is so cute and I will miss her so much...
And for the other extreme-- Wow, I am finally done! Who do I want to date now?

...Maybe I am messed up...

Another one bites the dust

2007-03-19T08:07:00.000-06:00

Well, guess who is a complete idiot? Ryan is. I’ve come to realize that I really miss a girl, and that I want to have another chance to be committed to her. I really ruined things… She came to hear me sing yesterday morning for a Sacrament Mtg. It meant a lot to her that I come and see her play her violin in her Sacrament Mtg., and I wasn’t there. I am a complete idiot and I feel dumb as could be. I just hope that I can somehow be something to her after all the dumb things I’ve pulled… I understand that dating really becomes inconsequential when the summer is 3 weeks away, but I want to be at a point where I can mean something to her when the summer comes… I don’t want us to separate to our lives without some connection when the semester ends… I want to have the connection that we can do things together this summer… I want her to come climbing with me, I want to go do some water sports with her and her family… I wish I hadn’t been so dumb, but I have been… I just wish I could hold her, but I don’t deserve that privilege. I am so completely awed with her maturity and depth of understanding in relationships… I have no understanding of it and am completely abashed with the entire situation. She was doing everything to care more about my happiness than other things in her life, and I hadn’t the slightest clue what was happening or what she was doing because I haven’t deserved that or been able to do that like she did. It’s funny… the very things that had bothered me about her, she brought up as things that I had never learned about her last night… She was too hyper for me; there wasn’t enough of a deep connection… She brought up that I hadn’t ever seen the serious ****, or the deeply musical **** and it is very true. I even lost the perfect opportunity for that opportunity yesterday when I didn’t go an hear her play… FREAK! I am an idiot!
I thought I was smart. Man, I was wrong! I thought I would be good in a relationship… I was very misguided. Funny huh? Yeah, me neither…

Damages

2007-02-08T22:53:00.000-07:00

so, it's been awhile... I feel slightly torn up emotionally as a result of the events of the last few months, the principle reason I've written anything here, dating this girl.

I am really happy right now though. Life is treating me very well. I have been super busy with everything that I have before me... I have hard classes, and 2 jobs, basically. I am busy. I am dating again, but it feels pushed. I don't think I am really ready to let anyone else into my heart... I don't think the doorway is open right now. I get really torn, I am stoked to go on a date because she will be an awesome girl, but the next day, I will be dreading the event... it kinda sucks... I just wish I could be myself again, just want to have fun.... but I am looking for something meaningful because I've been giving myself in a meaningful way without being truly reciprocated and even that was so enjoyable compared to the worthless dating I had been doing before.

Because of that, I am stuck in my little limbo world. I want to date because that is what I would be doing as a single man again, but at the same time, I want to have the old closeness to an individual that I felt. I knew she would listen, I knew she would care. I knew I could always talk to her. The negative was that she wouldn't ever open up to me the way I would to her.

I want to be back to a grounded position where I don't fluctuate in my interest levels... I want to be semi-normal again... Well, what's life without a challenge... I just don't like the ones I don't know how to overcome...

Done

2007-01-15T21:23:00.000-07:00

Well, I spoke to the young lady and just told her that I needed to know and understand some things. Essentially, this entire time she has been dating this boy in Provo. She has been cheating on him with me. So, I'm worth just enough to cause much confusion in her, but not enough to date. So, I'm finally done and moving on. I am tired of not having an equally yoked interest. She hasn't been reciprocating and has been very unclear and confused, therefore she is also confusing, this whole time and I really am grateful to have been able to learn from the experience. I think I will be done hurting soon... I hope so... I was fine earlier today, but now I am starting to reflect more and more on the experiences... I really am sick of the entire experience though. I've learned how important it will be for me to have someone who is as interested in me as I am in her. I need to have someone who is passionate about pursuing a relationship with me. I need more passion. Healthy passion is very important to my emotional health when I am letting my heart be open, at least, I think so, I've never experienced it... I'm relieved. I am done!

An Unfortunate Event...

2007-01-14T17:04:00.000-07:00

This may be incorrectly titled. The event of which I speak is actually a positive one from the perspective I held a month ago. However, in my current state, I am unsure how I feel about it....

I had a really good time with the young lady yesterday. I woke up after staying up way too late and spoke to her about the plans. I picked her up a little bit after 1 and we went to Salt Lake to my home, where we grabbed the gear needed to go snowshoeing. We went about 2.5 miles up a canyon, started freezing and headed back down. Her nose froze, and then her fingers, so I gave my gloves to her and used some thin fleece ones that did almost nothing as we snowshoed and then sledded down the last 1/2 mile to the car. I quite literally froze my hands and it was rather painful, all things considered. It was a great experience; the kind that are memorable in the pain and potential for injury that accompany them.

We came back to my home to warm up and then went to one of my old friends to eat dinner before we were going Disco Skating. It was great food but we had to run early to help my family move sheets of Drywall because my dad's arm was going numb, which isn't a good sign... We went Disco Skating and met my friend Rob and his girlfriend there. We skated around for an hour and a half and then decided to come back to my place to chill and watch a movie. It was fun and I got to hold her for a long time, and we just sat and talked after it was over, while cuddling... It was pretty sweet; I'm not gonna lie! All said, I spent from 1 to 3:30 in the morning with her.

It was great but for the fact that I want to get over her so that I can't keep hurting; and now I am left still liking her and being incredibly impressed with her in how she tackled the snowshoeing adventure. She was kicking my butt up the hill and that is really attractive because, I'm not very slow. I usually think I'm pretty fast... We moved pretty well, it was 2.5 miles in about 2 hours... maybe that isn't very fast... dang, I'm outta shape... She hates the cold, at she was incredible about the entire experience. I am impressed and now I fear that I will miss her again and that it will hurt, again...

I don't like getting hurt!

Resolution

2007-01-13T03:10:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm here in Provo. I'm hanging out visiting a friend and a girl I may have talked about previously and I'm not looking forward to seeing her tomorrow, or actually, later today... But that will take some discussion to explain I suppose...

I was feeling very pained. Ever since the girl returned to Provo, things had changed and I've been struggling with the stress and pain that the situation that has been bringing me. I suppose that I've been brought to the point because I have let myself care about someone. I've come to realize in the course of my life, especially recently, that the way I date is a defense mechanism against getting myself involved with someone enough that it can progress. I am scared of girls! I suppose that I should work on that, at the ripe age of 22... Anyway... I've been hurting and I finally realized why... It's because I am more committed to her than she is to me. She is indecisive and I haven't been, therefore, I am hurting and I think she is just indecisive.

And so, I come to this point; the point of pain or progress. I think that after 2.5 months of enduring this pain I might need to defend my heart from the pain I have been experiencing. It's a possibility I don't usually consider, but this time, I think it is the only option. I've taken the beginning steps towards that end by thinking about who I would ask out, and asking out a young lady.

I'm unable to take any more of this without her actually being open and truthful with me. She hasn't been able to do that with herself, let alone with me. I am tired of the pain. I can't continue to pursue my feelings when they aren't reciprocated. I can't tear myself apart like that anymore. It's too much to ask, when I don't think she can or will change her mind.

Things aren't working out for the future she was living for, so now, I think the principle of living in the future is even more evident.

And so, I am not excited to spend time with her, because I will want to hold her and can't.... It's gonna hurt! I am not strong enough anymore! I don't have the strength to endure it any longer, or I don't know of such strength. I've exhausted all my options and must simply move away from the source of the pain. I like the source though, which makes it all so much harder to bear....

Progression

2007-01-06T11:16:00.000-07:00

Hmm, well, here I am two and a half weeks later. I drove the girl to her new school, knowing that the way things were wouldn't be returning. Things were so not where I wanted them to be, but at least they were good in some way.
Now, I am just even more confused. The conversation has just progressed since she moved away from me. Now, I think we are even closer than we had ever been... She stopped by to see me, eat some food, and stand up during her cross-country drive. There is nothing I want more than to hear that she is over the guy and wanting to pursue a relationship with me.
I crave that news... but I am getting more and more frightened and nervous about what is going to happen now that she has returned from her Christmas break and is at her new school... with him. I want her to be happy... but I also want to be happy...
Even though I want things to work out... I'm scared that they will work out, because then it won't be getting easier... It will be harder, almost, but it would be so worth it to be able to call her mine. She is so amazing that I can't stand it. I am struggling...
I have been feeling so torn... I just want to talk to her all the time, but I don't want to be clingy. She tends to wait for me to call her... I think that she just has the principle of "the guy calls" firmly entrenched... yet she will call... but she has to wait until it's been longer than I want it to have been... She misses me, I miss her, but I have a hard time waiting for her to call me... I get fragile and insecure about the relationship we do have because I don't know where she stands right now... I don't think she does either... so what good would it do to talk about it?
She knows what I want. She knows that I will support her decisions... She knows that I will treat her right... She knows I will support her with everything that I can give; but it's hard for me to continue to have a hope for things, when there is so much distance involved, so much history, and so much failure. I miss her, I wish we were together, but right now, I think I need to be strong and hold out for her phone call...

Hurting...

2006-12-20T03:01:00.000-07:00

Well, I waxed a little bold and laid out the facts before her tonight... It was an interesting experience. I know she likes me, and I know that I like her. Things don't have to end, but as far as where they will go... I have no idea... I can't tell but I am willing to give it my best shot for the future... I feel bad because instead of keeping my feelings locked away in my heart, where they don't hurt anyone but me... I shared them with her and have essentially sent the pain completely over to her. I feel bad for her, why did I do that to her? Perhaps, I knew what I was doing and acted without concern because I wanted to avoid the doubts that plague me as I fail to express myself adequately for the feelings behind my soul... I feel bad that I did that to her, even as she is feeling bad for causing me to feel that way. Who knows what will happen in the entirety, but I hope that these times can be fond memories for her as they are for me... I wish she was mine... I've had a really good time...

BLAH!!!

2006-12-18T00:56:00.000-07:00

Words cannot describe my frustration at the current situation and at my inability to do anything more than hope. All my frustration tends to come full circle from the situation and get pointed at myself and then I get sad. I'm sad. I hurt. My stone heart is cracking... I can't see how I can succeed and I just want the pain to go away so that I can focus on life again without distraction. I suppose that the flaw in that thought process is that I am not really living life with my heart and when I do, for once, I want to run away to protect myself from the pain that can occur.... Wish granted... I said I wanted to experience some heartache... I think I am getting a delivery.... Dumb Ryan.... stop wishing you could grow! This is what you get, real feelings, and the real pain that follows because nothing will ever work out for you because that is just the way it goes.... I don't really believe that. I don't believe that at all. I know something will work out.... the only question is when? And the other "only" question is; Can I survive until then? Answer: Ba-na-na.... Co-co-nut....

Miss You-Know-Who-You-Are

2006-12-14T00:30:00.000-07:00

Well, you've decided to visit... Welcome! I hope that the contents of these entries won't be traumatizing... I'm sure you are able to read me like an open book and know what I think of you, but here I have put it to words: the frustrations, the fears, the pain, the highs, the lows...
I have to be honest about these things. I don't want to live my life with regrets of roads not traveled because of fears or difficulties. I just want you to know the truth. Truth sets us free; it gives us the knowledge we need to make our choices. I obviously; and amazingly, considering my history and experiences; have a great desire to continue to develop a relationship with you. I haven't ever experienced things like this before and have to pursue it to the end, to the best of my abilities... This is how I try to live my life and how I have to be in this aspect as well.
I'm sorry that I can't be my normal self so that you can just realize that I am not a total dweeb. I'm trying but I haven't been able to pull it off. I am intimidated by you. I think you are amazing. I want you to respect me and understand me because I feel like you might understand how things could be. I'm digging myself a hole to hide in with this discourse, but honesty is.... worth lots? Hemingway could fire off his retort about big words, or lengthy sermons being a poor method to communicate, but I do the best I can!
Continuing... I don't really have any recommendations, I started writing about you in the note GOO!!! so you might want to consider starting there... It might give the best flow... Who knows, you are a big girl, with a big, well-developed brain... I think you've got all the necessary keys to understand what I have been saying... oh, shoot, you actually need a healthy dose of oddity and insanity to really comprehend what is going on in my head, so I suppose that all I can say is: GOOD LUCK!!!

Closure...

2006-12-12T09:05:00.000-07:00

I have come to a point where all I want out of this relationship, since things are looking terminal because she has been living in the future instead of the present and giving this a chance, is closure. I just want to know that she did like me and that if things were different that there was possibilities for us. I suppose this is the final defence mechanism for me in my emotional life. I have to know that it wasn't my fault and or that it was the circumstance. I don't think I will hear differently in the forseeable future because girls are usually nice and wouldn't admit that to me... My theme song "I had a good time" from Boston, talks about, well, I'm gonna look up the lyrics...

Hey, you can be so unfair
And you know I will remember
You said you'd always be there
When you go

Hey, I wanted you to know
I wish you were mine
And I, I just wanted you to know
I had a good time
Ooh I, I had a really good time

You can lie and I'll still believe it
It's OK, it doesn't matter
I know that you really mean it
In your own way

Hey, I wanted you to know
I wish you were mine
And I, I just wanted you to know
I had a good time
Ooh I, I had a really good time

You know what you want
Well maybe love is blind
But's alright, it's cool
I just wanted you to know
I had a really good time

Well I've been in love
But nothing lasts forever
So just hold on long enough
And maybe you'll end up together
It's alright, yeah, yeah, yeah

You can lie to my face and I'll believe it
It's OK, 'cause there's a feeling you can't replace
You didn't mean it anyway

Hey, I wanted you to know
I wish you were mine And I,
I just wanted you to know
I had a good time
Ooh I, I had a really good time

I suppose that the experience of the last two months will definitely have taught me things, but I do believe that I have lost what could have been more wonderful than it has been because I get so weird, and because I have been struggling in my consistency in my relationship with her. I get so affected with doubts when I feel like I want to be close to someone and things aren't working out. I am just a psycho in relationships... I really am convinced that I wouldn't set myself up on a date. I'm so weird! I really want things to work out in some way, but the glorious thing about the entire experience is that I am really okay with whatever happens... I feel like I have learned much from her and that I am better because of her. I hope that things work out because I don't want to lose her, but decisions are made... I will respect her enough to know that she can choose her life. I've enjoyed what we've had...

Opinions

2006-12-04T10:14:00.000-07:00

I was just thinking about what one of my good friends who was one of my companions in the mission field told me recently. I was talking about this girl who I think is so much cooler and stronger than I, and I mentioned how I thought she was a spiritual champion too and as I expressed my thoughts that she is so much above me; I do want to marry up; he told me this, I'll paraphrase:

I don't know very many who know and understand the doctrines like you do, and
it's not just that you know them, you live according to your knowledge.

That means a lot to me, I'm very grateful for his words. I think that I often am unable to see the good qualities I possess because I am so caught up in my weaknesses and I want to progress but I make myself discouraged by my prolific weaknesses. I think there is a tendency for us to be hindered by Satan through discouragement. Satan doesn't want us to be in a position to have a quality relationship with someone who will challenge us to improve. He doesn't want us to marry a right person. Definitely, anyone can marry and function and have a good life with enough commitment to the gospel and to their covenants, but I don't want to just function, I want happiness that is surreal, I don't want to have to work for my marriage relationship, I want to want to work for my marriage relationship.

DTR

2006-12-02T08:48:00.000-07:00

Well, I did it, I talked to her about things. I told her that I would miss her when she leaves. I told her that I wished she wasn't leaving. We discussed things, she basically told me that there is competition that causes her to be very reticent to enter a relationship. I talked to her about my history and how I feel like I know what I look for. She told me about her past relationships and the things she learned from them. It was a very interesting conversation and I think I acted like an idiot again. We talked about some of the ways I view the world and I think she came to understand why I have acted so strangely around her. Who knows what is going on? We are a little closer to knowing and understanding each other now that the avenue of conversation has been opened, but it hasn't solved any problems yet... I guess that all I know right now is that I haven't killed it yet. There is still hope for this... I hope it works out positively for me, because I am definitely emotionally involved to the point of getting hurt if things never work out. I am falling for her!

I have come to realize the importance of one of her phrases. She told me that she dated a boy who was very bad for her for 10 months. He liked his understanding of who she was. She was constantly pressured by him to be a specific aspect of her personality instead of the package deal. I think that she is concerned that I like her so much. She feels I must be doing the same thing that this former guy did. I feel that there could be some truth to it, but I think that there can be a progression in it. I feel like I would like to know her well enough to like the real her. I feel like she is very concerned about that and I want to be sure that I am sincere in my interest in the real her. I definitely am not motivated by anything other than wonder and awe with the person she is thus far, and the key, I believe, is that I want to know everything about her. I want to get to know the entire package so that I can like the complete person that she is. It takes time, all that I can say at this point is that everything I know of her I like. What comes next, I don't know and that can only be approached when it comes my way.

About that distance...

2006-11-30T17:20:00.000-07:00

Well, I discovered last night that homework is more important to her than I am, which is acceptable and attractive, despite the pain that it brings with it. I just remembered that I'd had the information necessary to understand an etiological factor in her distance. She was in a relationship last winter semester and was broken up with during finals in April. I feel bad that she had to deal with that but I look at it now and see how that is a likely reason she is maintaining a distance with me. I think she likes me, we spend a lot of time together and despite my nervousness, lack of confidence, stumbling attempts at speaking, weird comments, obsessive habits, and other obvious lacks I have discovered since I've met her, she appears to enjoy the time we spend together enough to join me again and again as I continue to pursue her. I know that as time passes, she will be less and less likely to open up to me, as the day of her departure from this place approaches; therefore, I need to bring this to light, to her light. The time is now, or maybe later, or maybe this weekend... But soon, definitely soon...

As my title suggests... I am rambling... It is about a young lady though

2006-11-30T00:08:00.001-07:00

Well, I am here, at this point in my life where I feel like I need to take the steps to establish where things can go. I have never felt this way about anyone before. I think that she likes me, I see many reasons to believe so, but she is also maintaining a distance. I suspect that the distance comes because she is transferring to a different school in 3 weeks.
I don't want things to change. I know that if time were available, things could resolve themselves, but I don't have that luxury. I know that I feel very strongly that she has the qualities I look for in a person I would marry. I am not sure if that is the direction I think this will be heading, but I do feel like this is finally a girl whom I could.
I must somehow prepare myself to have an all important discussion with this girl. I need to define the relationship. I am okay with whatever happens, but I definitely want things to progress, albeit at a much slower pace when we are separated by 300 miles. I originally just wanted to write what I would say to her, but I am not quite ready for that yet, I will try to prepare myself and my thoughts to the point where I can be ready to tell her what is important to me. I need to do so to allow myself to prepare for the remainder of the semester with it's incumbent tests. I need to discover how I really feel as I approach that moment. I have recently become frightened because I have diminished in my whoopedness over this girl. I have become somewhat normal again, but along with that I have lessened in my desires to pursue. I worry that I will again run away from a marvelous girl, just because I am weird and can't be consistent in my dating endeavors. She has changed me for the better, no matter what happens...

Girl

2006-11-28T18:08:00.000-07:00

So, I have had this experience of note in the last month or so. I have had the wonderful opportunity to meet a girl in whom I see a marvelous mix of attributes that compliment mine in a way I've never experienced, but even more importantly, who I have begun to fall for in a way I've only heard of, never experienced. She is incredible. I don't have words to describe her completely because I respect most people and admire many people, and she blows me away with the combination of good looks, spirituality, emotional maturity, coolness, funniness, intelligence, attitude, happiness, maturity, priorities, energy, and pretty much everything except for her spelling and math skills. She is driven, pursues challenges and success in what she wants to accomplish, is beautiful and totally down to earth. I could love a girl like her with all my heart for eternity. If it will be her, only time will tell as she will be moving away to go to a different school 300 miles away from me in January... All I know, even though I can't act normally when I am around her because I am so intimidated by her, is that I want to hold her close, to be with her for the all the time she will let me, but that I don't want to get hurt and I know that this is finally a girl who can do it. I am very close to not knowing what I should do about it. I know what I should do about it, but I don't know if I can do that, the uncertainty of what will happen when I talk to her about things gives me pause. I don't want to ruin what I would miss if she no longer allows me to be near her for the next 3 weeks... That makes me fear losing the first girl that I really am falling for...

The OLD

2006-11-28T17:57:00.001-07:00

I have spent the week with the "old friends," the guys I spent my high school and freshman year of college with. I hadn't ever realized so much about them as I have this week. I've come to understand that we are completely different people. I have realized that we have the "pretty boy", the "musician", and "Mr. Spontaneous." I don't think I can name myself... so I won't even try. I have realized that despite the changes that these fine men have influenced in my life, I have changed beyond what they can inspire in the 3.5 years since we have all been together. I feel like they haven't changed as much as I have, and that I am in a position where I can't expect or hope to interact with them all the time like I did in olden times, without losing some of my progress in life. It would be a lovely comfort zone, full of -- the same things I did in High School -- but wouldn't leave me fulfilled or progressing in life. I will always cherish and remember the fine experiences of my years with them, but I can't ever go back to them. I had always imagined that we would return to our norm, but maybe that is exactly what has happened, I just hadn't remembered the truth. Who knows? People change, maybe that is just the way it will always be. I guess I won't have to miss the days of yore anymore.

GOO!

2006-11-28T17:46:00.000-07:00

I haven't done this before, so I am going to give it my best shot. I feel like happiness. I rarely ever have any other primary emotion in my life. I am just happy; but sometimes... a girl will strike!
I'll be moving along, minding my own business when I am struck with a girl who probably doesn't even know it, but quite suddenly she has an influence on my life and my happiness level. I definitely enjoy those moments, but it still stinks to have the downs associated with it. I don't know why I seem to fall so quickly, but I pick myself up almost as quickly, so I guess it isn't all bad. I could fall fast and hard and then take a year recovering... so I am still counting my blessings on that one. All is well in Zion, Zion prospereth, all is well... Anyway, I suppose that I am going to recover again from this one when I mess this one up... But in the mean time, I will stay on my rollercoaster of confusion.

Oh, so I am apparently not done venting... I am usually confident and able to talk normally, to be funny, but recently I have lost all ability to be normal around a girl. She has thrown me so far out of control over my life that I am unable to talk to her. I can't get over it, and the poor girl has this usually cool guy who suddenly can't talk or look her in the eyes for very long, or hold a normal conversation, who says really dumb stuff all the time.... great times huh? So now, now I am done.