Hurting...

Well, I waxed a little bold and laid out the facts before her tonight... It was an interesting experience. I know she likes me, and I know that I like her. Things don't have to end, but as far as where they will go... I have no idea... I can't tell but I am willing to give it my best shot for the future... I feel bad because instead of keeping my feelings locked away in my heart, where they don't hurt anyone but me... I shared them with her and have essentially sent the pain completely over to her. I feel bad for her, why did I do that to her? Perhaps, I knew what I was doing and acted without concern because I wanted to avoid the doubts that plague me as I fail to express myself adequately for the feelings behind my soul... I feel bad that I did that to her, even as she is feeling bad for causing me to feel that way. Who knows what will happen in the entirety, but I hope that these times can be fond memories for her as they are for me... I wish she was mine... I've had a really good time...

BLAH!!!

Words cannot describe my frustration at the current situation and at my inability to do anything more than hope. All my frustration tends to come full circle from the situation and get pointed at myself and then I get sad. I'm sad. I hurt. My stone heart is cracking... I can't see how I can succeed and I just want the pain to go away so that I can focus on life again without distraction. I suppose that the flaw in that thought process is that I am not really living life with my heart and when I do, for once, I want to run away to protect myself from the pain that can occur.... Wish granted... I said I wanted to experience some heartache... I think I am getting a delivery.... Dumb Ryan.... stop wishing you could grow! This is what you get, real feelings, and the real pain that follows because nothing will ever work out for you because that is just the way it goes.... I don't really believe that. I don't believe that at all. I know something will work out.... the only question is when? And the other "only" question is; Can I survive until then? Answer: Ba-na-na.... Co-co-nut....

Miss You-Know-Who-You-Are

Well, you've decided to visit... Welcome! I hope that the contents of these entries won't be traumatizing... I'm sure you are able to read me like an open book and know what I think of you, but here I have put it to words: the frustrations, the fears, the pain, the highs, the lows...
I have to be honest about these things. I don't want to live my life with regrets of roads not traveled because of fears or difficulties. I just want you to know the truth. Truth sets us free; it gives us the knowledge we need to make our choices. I obviously; and amazingly, considering my history and experiences; have a great desire to continue to develop a relationship with you. I haven't ever experienced things like this before and have to pursue it to the end, to the best of my abilities... This is how I try to live my life and how I have to be in this aspect as well.
I'm sorry that I can't be my normal self so that you can just realize that I am not a total dweeb. I'm trying but I haven't been able to pull it off. I am intimidated by you. I think you are amazing. I want you to respect me and understand me because I feel like you might understand how things could be. I'm digging myself a hole to hide in with this discourse, but honesty is.... worth lots? Hemingway could fire off his retort about big words, or lengthy sermons being a poor method to communicate, but I do the best I can!
Continuing... I don't really have any recommendations, I started writing about you in the note GOO!!! so you might want to consider starting there... It might give the best flow... Who knows, you are a big girl, with a big, well-developed brain... I think you've got all the necessary keys to understand what I have been saying... oh, shoot, you actually need a healthy dose of oddity and insanity to really comprehend what is going on in my head, so I suppose that all I can say is: GOOD LUCK!!!

Closure...

I have come to a point where all I want out of this relationship, since things are looking terminal because she has been living in the future instead of the present and giving this a chance, is closure. I just want to know that she did like me and that if things were different that there was possibilities for us. I suppose this is the final defence mechanism for me in my emotional life. I have to know that it wasn't my fault and or that it was the circumstance. I don't think I will hear differently in the forseeable future because girls are usually nice and wouldn't admit that to me... My theme song "I had a good time" from Boston, talks about, well, I'm gonna look up the lyrics...

Hey, you can be so unfair
And you know I will remember
You said you'd always be there
When you go

Hey, I wanted you to know
I wish you were mine
And I, I just wanted you to know
I had a good time
Ooh I, I had a really good time

You can lie and I'll still believe it
It's OK, it doesn't matter
I know that you really mean it
In your own way

Hey, I wanted you to know
I wish you were mine
And I, I just wanted you to know
I had a good time
Ooh I, I had a really good time

You know what you want
Well maybe love is blind
But's alright, it's cool
I just wanted you to know
I had a really good time

Well I've been in love
But nothing lasts forever
So just hold on long enough
And maybe you'll end up together
It's alright, yeah, yeah, yeah

You can lie to my face and I'll believe it
It's OK, 'cause there's a feeling you can't replace
You didn't mean it anyway

Hey, I wanted you to know
I wish you were mine And I,
I just wanted you to know
I had a good time
Ooh I, I had a really good time

I suppose that the experience of the last two months will definitely have taught me things, but I do believe that I have lost what could have been more wonderful than it has been because I get so weird, and because I have been struggling in my consistency in my relationship with her. I get so affected with doubts when I feel like I want to be close to someone and things aren't working out. I am just a psycho in relationships... I really am convinced that I wouldn't set myself up on a date. I'm so weird! I really want things to work out in some way, but the glorious thing about the entire experience is that I am really okay with whatever happens... I feel like I have learned much from her and that I am better because of her. I hope that things work out because I don't want to lose her, but decisions are made... I will respect her enough to know that she can choose her life. I've enjoyed what we've had...

Opinions

I was just thinking about what one of my good friends who was one of my companions in the mission field told me recently. I was talking about this girl who I think is so much cooler and stronger than I, and I mentioned how I thought she was a spiritual champion too and as I expressed my thoughts that she is so much above me; I do want to marry up; he told me this, I'll paraphrase:

I don't know very many who know and understand the doctrines like you do, and
it's not just that you know them, you live according to your knowledge.

That means a lot to me, I'm very grateful for his words. I think that I often am unable to see the good qualities I possess because I am so caught up in my weaknesses and I want to progress but I make myself discouraged by my prolific weaknesses. I think there is a tendency for us to be hindered by Satan through discouragement. Satan doesn't want us to be in a position to have a quality relationship with someone who will challenge us to improve. He doesn't want us to marry a right person. Definitely, anyone can marry and function and have a good life with enough commitment to the gospel and to their covenants, but I don't want to just function, I want happiness that is surreal, I don't want to have to work for my marriage relationship, I want to want to work for my marriage relationship.

DTR

Well, I did it, I talked to her about things. I told her that I would miss her when she leaves. I told her that I wished she wasn't leaving. We discussed things, she basically told me that there is competition that causes her to be very reticent to enter a relationship. I talked to her about my history and how I feel like I know what I look for. She told me about her past relationships and the things she learned from them. It was a very interesting conversation and I think I acted like an idiot again. We talked about some of the ways I view the world and I think she came to understand why I have acted so strangely around her. Who knows what is going on? We are a little closer to knowing and understanding each other now that the avenue of conversation has been opened, but it hasn't solved any problems yet... I guess that all I know right now is that I haven't killed it yet. There is still hope for this... I hope it works out positively for me, because I am definitely emotionally involved to the point of getting hurt if things never work out. I am falling for her!

I have come to realize the importance of one of her phrases. She told me that she dated a boy who was very bad for her for 10 months. He liked his understanding of who she was. She was constantly pressured by him to be a specific aspect of her personality instead of the package deal. I think that she is concerned that I like her so much. She feels I must be doing the same thing that this former guy did. I feel that there could be some truth to it, but I think that there can be a progression in it. I feel like I would like to know her well enough to like the real her. I feel like she is very concerned about that and I want to be sure that I am sincere in my interest in the real her. I definitely am not motivated by anything other than wonder and awe with the person she is thus far, and the key, I believe, is that I want to know everything about her. I want to get to know the entire package so that I can like the complete person that she is. It takes time, all that I can say at this point is that everything I know of her I like. What comes next, I don't know and that can only be approached when it comes my way.

About that distance...

Well, I discovered last night that homework is more important to her than I am, which is acceptable and attractive, despite the pain that it brings with it. I just remembered that I'd had the information necessary to understand an etiological factor in her distance. She was in a relationship last winter semester and was broken up with during finals in April. I feel bad that she had to deal with that but I look at it now and see how that is a likely reason she is maintaining a distance with me. I think she likes me, we spend a lot of time together and despite my nervousness, lack of confidence, stumbling attempts at speaking, weird comments, obsessive habits, and other obvious lacks I have discovered since I've met her, she appears to enjoy the time we spend together enough to join me again and again as I continue to pursue her. I know that as time passes, she will be less and less likely to open up to me, as the day of her departure from this place approaches; therefore, I need to bring this to light, to her light. The time is now, or maybe later, or maybe this weekend... But soon, definitely soon...

As my title suggests... I am rambling... It is about a young lady though

Well, I am here, at this point in my life where I feel like I need to take the steps to establish where things can go. I have never felt this way about anyone before. I think that she likes me, I see many reasons to believe so, but she is also maintaining a distance. I suspect that the distance comes because she is transferring to a different school in 3 weeks.
I don't want things to change. I know that if time were available, things could resolve themselves, but I don't have that luxury. I know that I feel very strongly that she has the qualities I look for in a person I would marry. I am not sure if that is the direction I think this will be heading, but I do feel like this is finally a girl whom I could.
I must somehow prepare myself to have an all important discussion with this girl. I need to define the relationship. I am okay with whatever happens, but I definitely want things to progress, albeit at a much slower pace when we are separated by 300 miles. I originally just wanted to write what I would say to her, but I am not quite ready for that yet, I will try to prepare myself and my thoughts to the point where I can be ready to tell her what is important to me. I need to do so to allow myself to prepare for the remainder of the semester with it's incumbent tests. I need to discover how I really feel as I approach that moment. I have recently become frightened because I have diminished in my whoopedness over this girl. I have become somewhat normal again, but along with that I have lessened in my desires to pursue. I worry that I will again run away from a marvelous girl, just because I am weird and can't be consistent in my dating endeavors. She has changed me for the better, no matter what happens...

Girl

So, I have had this experience of note in the last month or so. I have had the wonderful opportunity to meet a girl in whom I see a marvelous mix of attributes that compliment mine in a way I've never experienced, but even more importantly, who I have begun to fall for in a way I've only heard of, never experienced. She is incredible. I don't have words to describe her completely because I respect most people and admire many people, and she blows me away with the combination of good looks, spirituality, emotional maturity, coolness, funniness, intelligence, attitude, happiness, maturity, priorities, energy, and pretty much everything except for her spelling and math skills. She is driven, pursues challenges and success in what she wants to accomplish, is beautiful and totally down to earth. I could love a girl like her with all my heart for eternity. If it will be her, only time will tell as she will be moving away to go to a different school 300 miles away from me in January... All I know, even though I can't act normally when I am around her because I am so intimidated by her, is that I want to hold her close, to be with her for the all the time she will let me, but that I don't want to get hurt and I know that this is finally a girl who can do it. I am very close to not knowing what I should do about it. I know what I should do about it, but I don't know if I can do that, the uncertainty of what will happen when I talk to her about things gives me pause. I don't want to ruin what I would miss if she no longer allows me to be near her for the next 3 weeks... That makes me fear losing the first girl that I really am falling for...

The OLD

I have spent the week with the "old friends," the guys I spent my high school and freshman year of college with. I hadn't ever realized so much about them as I have this week. I've come to understand that we are completely different people. I have realized that we have the "pretty boy", the "musician", and "Mr. Spontaneous." I don't think I can name myself... so I won't even try. I have realized that despite the changes that these fine men have influenced in my life, I have changed beyond what they can inspire in the 3.5 years since we have all been together. I feel like they haven't changed as much as I have, and that I am in a position where I can't expect or hope to interact with them all the time like I did in olden times, without losing some of my progress in life. It would be a lovely comfort zone, full of -- the same things I did in High School -- but wouldn't leave me fulfilled or progressing in life. I will always cherish and remember the fine experiences of my years with them, but I can't ever go back to them. I had always imagined that we would return to our norm, but maybe that is exactly what has happened, I just hadn't remembered the truth. Who knows? People change, maybe that is just the way it will always be. I guess I won't have to miss the days of yore anymore.

GOO!

I haven't done this before, so I am going to give it my best shot. I feel like happiness. I rarely ever have any other primary emotion in my life. I am just happy; but sometimes... a girl will strike!
I'll be moving along, minding my own business when I am struck with a girl who probably doesn't even know it, but quite suddenly she has an influence on my life and my happiness level. I definitely enjoy those moments, but it still stinks to have the downs associated with it. I don't know why I seem to fall so quickly, but I pick myself up almost as quickly, so I guess it isn't all bad. I could fall fast and hard and then take a year recovering... so I am still counting my blessings on that one. All is well in Zion, Zion prospereth, all is well... Anyway, I suppose that I am going to recover again from this one when I mess this one up... But in the mean time, I will stay on my rollercoaster of confusion.

Oh, so I am apparently not done venting... I am usually confident and able to talk normally, to be funny, but recently I have lost all ability to be normal around a girl. She has thrown me so far out of control over my life that I am unable to talk to her. I can't get over it, and the poor girl has this usually cool guy who suddenly can't talk or look her in the eyes for very long, or hold a normal conversation, who says really dumb stuff all the time.... great times huh? So now, now I am done.