Resolution

Well, I'm here in Provo. I'm hanging out visiting a friend and a girl I may have talked about previously and I'm not looking forward to seeing her tomorrow, or actually, later today... But that will take some discussion to explain I suppose...

I was feeling very pained. Ever since the girl returned to Provo, things had changed and I've been struggling with the stress and pain that the situation that has been bringing me. I suppose that I've been brought to the point because I have let myself care about someone. I've come to realize in the course of my life, especially recently, that the way I date is a defense mechanism against getting myself involved with someone enough that it can progress. I am scared of girls! I suppose that I should work on that, at the ripe age of 22... Anyway... I've been hurting and I finally realized why... It's because I am more committed to her than she is to me. She is indecisive and I haven't been, therefore, I am hurting and I think she is just indecisive.

And so, I come to this point; the point of pain or progress. I think that after 2.5 months of enduring this pain I might need to defend my heart from the pain I have been experiencing. It's a possibility I don't usually consider, but this time, I think it is the only option. I've taken the beginning steps towards that end by thinking about who I would ask out, and asking out a young lady.

I'm unable to take any more of this without her actually being open and truthful with me. She hasn't been able to do that with herself, let alone with me. I am tired of the pain. I can't continue to pursue my feelings when they aren't reciprocated. I can't tear myself apart like that anymore. It's too much to ask, when I don't think she can or will change her mind.

Things aren't working out for the future she was living for, so now, I think the principle of living in the future is even more evident.

And so, I am not excited to spend time with her, because I will want to hold her and can't.... It's gonna hurt! I am not strong enough anymore! I don't have the strength to endure it any longer, or I don't know of such strength. I've exhausted all my options and must simply move away from the source of the pain. I like the source though, which makes it all so much harder to bear....