Another one bites the dust

Well, guess who is a complete idiot? Ryan is. I’ve come to realize that I really miss a girl, and that I want to have another chance to be committed to her. I really ruined things… She came to hear me sing yesterday morning for a Sacrament Mtg. It meant a lot to her that I come and see her play her violin in her Sacrament Mtg., and I wasn’t there. I am a complete idiot and I feel dumb as could be. I just hope that I can somehow be something to her after all the dumb things I’ve pulled… I understand that dating really becomes inconsequential when the summer is 3 weeks away, but I want to be at a point where I can mean something to her when the summer comes… I don’t want us to separate to our lives without some connection when the semester ends… I want to have the connection that we can do things together this summer… I want her to come climbing with me, I want to go do some water sports with her and her family… I wish I hadn’t been so dumb, but I have been… I just wish I could hold her, but I don’t deserve that privilege. I am so completely awed with her maturity and depth of understanding in relationships… I have no understanding of it and am completely abashed with the entire situation. She was doing everything to care more about my happiness than other things in her life, and I hadn’t the slightest clue what was happening or what she was doing because I haven’t deserved that or been able to do that like she did. It’s funny… the very things that had bothered me about her, she brought up as things that I had never learned about her last night… She was too hyper for me; there wasn’t enough of a deep connection… She brought up that I hadn’t ever seen the serious ****, or the deeply musical **** and it is very true. I even lost the perfect opportunity for that opportunity yesterday when I didn’t go an hear her play… FREAK! I am an idiot!
I thought I was smart. Man, I was wrong! I thought I would be good in a relationship… I was very misguided. Funny huh? Yeah, me neither…

Damages

so, it's been awhile... I feel slightly torn up emotionally as a result of the events of the last few months, the principle reason I've written anything here, dating this girl.

I am really happy right now though. Life is treating me very well. I have been super busy with everything that I have before me... I have hard classes, and 2 jobs, basically. I am busy. I am dating again, but it feels pushed. I don't think I am really ready to let anyone else into my heart... I don't think the doorway is open right now. I get really torn, I am stoked to go on a date because she will be an awesome girl, but the next day, I will be dreading the event... it kinda sucks... I just wish I could be myself again, just want to have fun.... but I am looking for something meaningful because I've been giving myself in a meaningful way without being truly reciprocated and even that was so enjoyable compared to the worthless dating I had been doing before.

Because of that, I am stuck in my little limbo world. I want to date because that is what I would be doing as a single man again, but at the same time, I want to have the old closeness to an individual that I felt. I knew she would listen, I knew she would care. I knew I could always talk to her. The negative was that she wouldn't ever open up to me the way I would to her.

I want to be back to a grounded position where I don't fluctuate in my interest levels... I want to be semi-normal again... Well, what's life without a challenge... I just don't like the ones I don't know how to overcome...

Done

Well, I spoke to the young lady and just told her that I needed to know and understand some things. Essentially, this entire time she has been dating this boy in Provo. She has been cheating on him with me. So, I'm worth just enough to cause much confusion in her, but not enough to date. So, I'm finally done and moving on. I am tired of not having an equally yoked interest. She hasn't been reciprocating and has been very unclear and confused, therefore she is also confusing, this whole time and I really am grateful to have been able to learn from the experience. I think I will be done hurting soon... I hope so... I was fine earlier today, but now I am starting to reflect more and more on the experiences... I really am sick of the entire experience though. I've learned how important it will be for me to have someone who is as interested in me as I am in her. I need to have someone who is passionate about pursuing a relationship with me. I need more passion. Healthy passion is very important to my emotional health when I am letting my heart be open, at least, I think so, I've never experienced it... I'm relieved. I am done!

An Unfortunate Event...

This may be incorrectly titled. The event of which I speak is actually a positive one from the perspective I held a month ago. However, in my current state, I am unsure how I feel about it....

I had a really good time with the young lady yesterday. I woke up after staying up way too late and spoke to her about the plans. I picked her up a little bit after 1 and we went to Salt Lake to my home, where we grabbed the gear needed to go snowshoeing. We went about 2.5 miles up a canyon, started freezing and headed back down. Her nose froze, and then her fingers, so I gave my gloves to her and used some thin fleece ones that did almost nothing as we snowshoed and then sledded down the last 1/2 mile to the car. I quite literally froze my hands and it was rather painful, all things considered. It was a great experience; the kind that are memorable in the pain and potential for injury that accompany them.

We came back to my home to warm up and then went to one of my old friends to eat dinner before we were going Disco Skating. It was great food but we had to run early to help my family move sheets of Drywall because my dad's arm was going numb, which isn't a good sign... We went Disco Skating and met my friend Rob and his girlfriend there. We skated around for an hour and a half and then decided to come back to my place to chill and watch a movie. It was fun and I got to hold her for a long time, and we just sat and talked after it was over, while cuddling... It was pretty sweet; I'm not gonna lie! All said, I spent from 1 to 3:30 in the morning with her.

It was great but for the fact that I want to get over her so that I can't keep hurting; and now I am left still liking her and being incredibly impressed with her in how she tackled the snowshoeing adventure. She was kicking my butt up the hill and that is really attractive because, I'm not very slow. I usually think I'm pretty fast... We moved pretty well, it was 2.5 miles in about 2 hours... maybe that isn't very fast... dang, I'm outta shape... She hates the cold, at she was incredible about the entire experience. I am impressed and now I fear that I will miss her again and that it will hurt, again...

I don't like getting hurt!

Resolution

Well, I'm here in Provo. I'm hanging out visiting a friend and a girl I may have talked about previously and I'm not looking forward to seeing her tomorrow, or actually, later today... But that will take some discussion to explain I suppose...

I was feeling very pained. Ever since the girl returned to Provo, things had changed and I've been struggling with the stress and pain that the situation that has been bringing me. I suppose that I've been brought to the point because I have let myself care about someone. I've come to realize in the course of my life, especially recently, that the way I date is a defense mechanism against getting myself involved with someone enough that it can progress. I am scared of girls! I suppose that I should work on that, at the ripe age of 22... Anyway... I've been hurting and I finally realized why... It's because I am more committed to her than she is to me. She is indecisive and I haven't been, therefore, I am hurting and I think she is just indecisive.

And so, I come to this point; the point of pain or progress. I think that after 2.5 months of enduring this pain I might need to defend my heart from the pain I have been experiencing. It's a possibility I don't usually consider, but this time, I think it is the only option. I've taken the beginning steps towards that end by thinking about who I would ask out, and asking out a young lady.

I'm unable to take any more of this without her actually being open and truthful with me. She hasn't been able to do that with herself, let alone with me. I am tired of the pain. I can't continue to pursue my feelings when they aren't reciprocated. I can't tear myself apart like that anymore. It's too much to ask, when I don't think she can or will change her mind.

Things aren't working out for the future she was living for, so now, I think the principle of living in the future is even more evident.

And so, I am not excited to spend time with her, because I will want to hold her and can't.... It's gonna hurt! I am not strong enough anymore! I don't have the strength to endure it any longer, or I don't know of such strength. I've exhausted all my options and must simply move away from the source of the pain. I like the source though, which makes it all so much harder to bear....

Progression

Hmm, well, here I am two and a half weeks later. I drove the girl to her new school, knowing that the way things were wouldn't be returning. Things were so not where I wanted them to be, but at least they were good in some way.
Now, I am just even more confused. The conversation has just progressed since she moved away from me. Now, I think we are even closer than we had ever been... She stopped by to see me, eat some food, and stand up during her cross-country drive. There is nothing I want more than to hear that she is over the guy and wanting to pursue a relationship with me.
I crave that news... but I am getting more and more frightened and nervous about what is going to happen now that she has returned from her Christmas break and is at her new school... with him. I want her to be happy... but I also want to be happy...
Even though I want things to work out... I'm scared that they will work out, because then it won't be getting easier... It will be harder, almost, but it would be so worth it to be able to call her mine. She is so amazing that I can't stand it. I am struggling...
I have been feeling so torn... I just want to talk to her all the time, but I don't want to be clingy. She tends to wait for me to call her... I think that she just has the principle of "the guy calls" firmly entrenched... yet she will call... but she has to wait until it's been longer than I want it to have been... She misses me, I miss her, but I have a hard time waiting for her to call me... I get fragile and insecure about the relationship we do have because I don't know where she stands right now... I don't think she does either... so what good would it do to talk about it?
She knows what I want. She knows that I will support her decisions... She knows that I will treat her right... She knows I will support her with everything that I can give; but it's hard for me to continue to have a hope for things, when there is so much distance involved, so much history, and so much failure. I miss her, I wish we were together, but right now, I think I need to be strong and hold out for her phone call...

Hurting...

Well, I waxed a little bold and laid out the facts before her tonight... It was an interesting experience. I know she likes me, and I know that I like her. Things don't have to end, but as far as where they will go... I have no idea... I can't tell but I am willing to give it my best shot for the future... I feel bad because instead of keeping my feelings locked away in my heart, where they don't hurt anyone but me... I shared them with her and have essentially sent the pain completely over to her. I feel bad for her, why did I do that to her? Perhaps, I knew what I was doing and acted without concern because I wanted to avoid the doubts that plague me as I fail to express myself adequately for the feelings behind my soul... I feel bad that I did that to her, even as she is feeling bad for causing me to feel that way. Who knows what will happen in the entirety, but I hope that these times can be fond memories for her as they are for me... I wish she was mine... I've had a really good time...

BLAH!!!

Words cannot describe my frustration at the current situation and at my inability to do anything more than hope. All my frustration tends to come full circle from the situation and get pointed at myself and then I get sad. I'm sad. I hurt. My stone heart is cracking... I can't see how I can succeed and I just want the pain to go away so that I can focus on life again without distraction. I suppose that the flaw in that thought process is that I am not really living life with my heart and when I do, for once, I want to run away to protect myself from the pain that can occur.... Wish granted... I said I wanted to experience some heartache... I think I am getting a delivery.... Dumb Ryan.... stop wishing you could grow! This is what you get, real feelings, and the real pain that follows because nothing will ever work out for you because that is just the way it goes.... I don't really believe that. I don't believe that at all. I know something will work out.... the only question is when? And the other "only" question is; Can I survive until then? Answer: Ba-na-na.... Co-co-nut....

Miss You-Know-Who-You-Are

Well, you've decided to visit... Welcome! I hope that the contents of these entries won't be traumatizing... I'm sure you are able to read me like an open book and know what I think of you, but here I have put it to words: the frustrations, the fears, the pain, the highs, the lows...
I have to be honest about these things. I don't want to live my life with regrets of roads not traveled because of fears or difficulties. I just want you to know the truth. Truth sets us free; it gives us the knowledge we need to make our choices. I obviously; and amazingly, considering my history and experiences; have a great desire to continue to develop a relationship with you. I haven't ever experienced things like this before and have to pursue it to the end, to the best of my abilities... This is how I try to live my life and how I have to be in this aspect as well.
I'm sorry that I can't be my normal self so that you can just realize that I am not a total dweeb. I'm trying but I haven't been able to pull it off. I am intimidated by you. I think you are amazing. I want you to respect me and understand me because I feel like you might understand how things could be. I'm digging myself a hole to hide in with this discourse, but honesty is.... worth lots? Hemingway could fire off his retort about big words, or lengthy sermons being a poor method to communicate, but I do the best I can!
Continuing... I don't really have any recommendations, I started writing about you in the note GOO!!! so you might want to consider starting there... It might give the best flow... Who knows, you are a big girl, with a big, well-developed brain... I think you've got all the necessary keys to understand what I have been saying... oh, shoot, you actually need a healthy dose of oddity and insanity to really comprehend what is going on in my head, so I suppose that all I can say is: GOOD LUCK!!!

Closure...

I have come to a point where all I want out of this relationship, since things are looking terminal because she has been living in the future instead of the present and giving this a chance, is closure. I just want to know that she did like me and that if things were different that there was possibilities for us. I suppose this is the final defence mechanism for me in my emotional life. I have to know that it wasn't my fault and or that it was the circumstance. I don't think I will hear differently in the forseeable future because girls are usually nice and wouldn't admit that to me... My theme song "I had a good time" from Boston, talks about, well, I'm gonna look up the lyrics...

Hey, you can be so unfair
And you know I will remember
You said you'd always be there
When you go

Hey, I wanted you to know
I wish you were mine
And I, I just wanted you to know
I had a good time
Ooh I, I had a really good time

You can lie and I'll still believe it
It's OK, it doesn't matter
I know that you really mean it
In your own way

Hey, I wanted you to know
I wish you were mine
And I, I just wanted you to know
I had a good time
Ooh I, I had a really good time

You know what you want
Well maybe love is blind
But's alright, it's cool
I just wanted you to know
I had a really good time

Well I've been in love
But nothing lasts forever
So just hold on long enough
And maybe you'll end up together
It's alright, yeah, yeah, yeah

You can lie to my face and I'll believe it
It's OK, 'cause there's a feeling you can't replace
You didn't mean it anyway

Hey, I wanted you to know
I wish you were mine And I,
I just wanted you to know
I had a good time
Ooh I, I had a really good time

I suppose that the experience of the last two months will definitely have taught me things, but I do believe that I have lost what could have been more wonderful than it has been because I get so weird, and because I have been struggling in my consistency in my relationship with her. I get so affected with doubts when I feel like I want to be close to someone and things aren't working out. I am just a psycho in relationships... I really am convinced that I wouldn't set myself up on a date. I'm so weird! I really want things to work out in some way, but the glorious thing about the entire experience is that I am really okay with whatever happens... I feel like I have learned much from her and that I am better because of her. I hope that things work out because I don't want to lose her, but decisions are made... I will respect her enough to know that she can choose her life. I've enjoyed what we've had...