Done

Well, I spoke to the young lady and just told her that I needed to know and understand some things. Essentially, this entire time she has been dating this boy in Provo. She has been cheating on him with me. So, I'm worth just enough to cause much confusion in her, but not enough to date. So, I'm finally done and moving on. I am tired of not having an equally yoked interest. She hasn't been reciprocating and has been very unclear and confused, therefore she is also confusing, this whole time and I really am grateful to have been able to learn from the experience. I think I will be done hurting soon... I hope so... I was fine earlier today, but now I am starting to reflect more and more on the experiences... I really am sick of the entire experience though. I've learned how important it will be for me to have someone who is as interested in me as I am in her. I need to have someone who is passionate about pursuing a relationship with me. I need more passion. Healthy passion is very important to my emotional health when I am letting my heart be open, at least, I think so, I've never experienced it... I'm relieved. I am done!

An Unfortunate Event...

This may be incorrectly titled. The event of which I speak is actually a positive one from the perspective I held a month ago. However, in my current state, I am unsure how I feel about it....

I had a really good time with the young lady yesterday. I woke up after staying up way too late and spoke to her about the plans. I picked her up a little bit after 1 and we went to Salt Lake to my home, where we grabbed the gear needed to go snowshoeing. We went about 2.5 miles up a canyon, started freezing and headed back down. Her nose froze, and then her fingers, so I gave my gloves to her and used some thin fleece ones that did almost nothing as we snowshoed and then sledded down the last 1/2 mile to the car. I quite literally froze my hands and it was rather painful, all things considered. It was a great experience; the kind that are memorable in the pain and potential for injury that accompany them.

We came back to my home to warm up and then went to one of my old friends to eat dinner before we were going Disco Skating. It was great food but we had to run early to help my family move sheets of Drywall because my dad's arm was going numb, which isn't a good sign... We went Disco Skating and met my friend Rob and his girlfriend there. We skated around for an hour and a half and then decided to come back to my place to chill and watch a movie. It was fun and I got to hold her for a long time, and we just sat and talked after it was over, while cuddling... It was pretty sweet; I'm not gonna lie! All said, I spent from 1 to 3:30 in the morning with her.

It was great but for the fact that I want to get over her so that I can't keep hurting; and now I am left still liking her and being incredibly impressed with her in how she tackled the snowshoeing adventure. She was kicking my butt up the hill and that is really attractive because, I'm not very slow. I usually think I'm pretty fast... We moved pretty well, it was 2.5 miles in about 2 hours... maybe that isn't very fast... dang, I'm outta shape... She hates the cold, at she was incredible about the entire experience. I am impressed and now I fear that I will miss her again and that it will hurt, again...

I don't like getting hurt!

Resolution

Well, I'm here in Provo. I'm hanging out visiting a friend and a girl I may have talked about previously and I'm not looking forward to seeing her tomorrow, or actually, later today... But that will take some discussion to explain I suppose...

I was feeling very pained. Ever since the girl returned to Provo, things had changed and I've been struggling with the stress and pain that the situation that has been bringing me. I suppose that I've been brought to the point because I have let myself care about someone. I've come to realize in the course of my life, especially recently, that the way I date is a defense mechanism against getting myself involved with someone enough that it can progress. I am scared of girls! I suppose that I should work on that, at the ripe age of 22... Anyway... I've been hurting and I finally realized why... It's because I am more committed to her than she is to me. She is indecisive and I haven't been, therefore, I am hurting and I think she is just indecisive.

And so, I come to this point; the point of pain or progress. I think that after 2.5 months of enduring this pain I might need to defend my heart from the pain I have been experiencing. It's a possibility I don't usually consider, but this time, I think it is the only option. I've taken the beginning steps towards that end by thinking about who I would ask out, and asking out a young lady.

I'm unable to take any more of this without her actually being open and truthful with me. She hasn't been able to do that with herself, let alone with me. I am tired of the pain. I can't continue to pursue my feelings when they aren't reciprocated. I can't tear myself apart like that anymore. It's too much to ask, when I don't think she can or will change her mind.

Things aren't working out for the future she was living for, so now, I think the principle of living in the future is even more evident.

And so, I am not excited to spend time with her, because I will want to hold her and can't.... It's gonna hurt! I am not strong enough anymore! I don't have the strength to endure it any longer, or I don't know of such strength. I've exhausted all my options and must simply move away from the source of the pain. I like the source though, which makes it all so much harder to bear....

Progression

Hmm, well, here I am two and a half weeks later. I drove the girl to her new school, knowing that the way things were wouldn't be returning. Things were so not where I wanted them to be, but at least they were good in some way.
Now, I am just even more confused. The conversation has just progressed since she moved away from me. Now, I think we are even closer than we had ever been... She stopped by to see me, eat some food, and stand up during her cross-country drive. There is nothing I want more than to hear that she is over the guy and wanting to pursue a relationship with me.
I crave that news... but I am getting more and more frightened and nervous about what is going to happen now that she has returned from her Christmas break and is at her new school... with him. I want her to be happy... but I also want to be happy...
Even though I want things to work out... I'm scared that they will work out, because then it won't be getting easier... It will be harder, almost, but it would be so worth it to be able to call her mine. She is so amazing that I can't stand it. I am struggling...
I have been feeling so torn... I just want to talk to her all the time, but I don't want to be clingy. She tends to wait for me to call her... I think that she just has the principle of "the guy calls" firmly entrenched... yet she will call... but she has to wait until it's been longer than I want it to have been... She misses me, I miss her, but I have a hard time waiting for her to call me... I get fragile and insecure about the relationship we do have because I don't know where she stands right now... I don't think she does either... so what good would it do to talk about it?
She knows what I want. She knows that I will support her decisions... She knows that I will treat her right... She knows I will support her with everything that I can give; but it's hard for me to continue to have a hope for things, when there is so much distance involved, so much history, and so much failure. I miss her, I wish we were together, but right now, I think I need to be strong and hold out for her phone call...