Dating is awkward, but so is becoming the crazy cat lady or the creepy old man. As fellow travelers on this rollercoaster o’ joy, we thought we’d share some insights we’ve gained through the many highs and lows regarding the social interaction known as “dating.” We have made our share of mistakes, and we’ve seen the mistakes of many others; collectively, there are a lot of crazy things that happen in our world of dating. And so here we are, writing to you, the many of you that claim “single” on facebook, in the attempt to help you avoid some of the errors we have witnessed, or committed, in our collective years of experience. We offer a no guarantees, we aren’t qualified to help you get married or anything… but there are some common misunderstandings that once corrected will help ease the pain and make this journey more enjoyable.
And now, you may ask, “why listen to you? “ Our response,” why not?” We may have nothing to offer that you don’t already know, you’re smart like that, but why not find out if you can gain from our experiences?
We’ll take a look at a typical progression through a first date as a platform for our discussion. We’ve included, for our enjoyment, some semi-fictional “case studies” about the various situations encountered.
The Flirt
Welcome to the crucial first step. Without this, you ain’t goin’ nowhere! And so, perhaps a definition is in order:
Ryan: Well, this is a hard one because flirting isn’t the same for everyone. Flirting isn't a list of to-dos or anything complex. Flirting is a desire to progress an acquaintancy into a friendship or a potential dating relationship. By appropriate flirtation, everyone can feel happier and experience a boost in confidence. Flirting is the way we can express our interest in another individual in general. If everyone flirted more, we could all experience these boosts and upliftment more often…
Krista: Everyone has their own way of flirting. If you’re like Ryan, you use some cheesy pick up line to break the ice. These unfortunately don’t work out too well. Just say “hi” and let the conversation flow.
Ryan: Thanks… About lines… here’s a story from my life, names changed to protect me.
Case Study #1— Joey
There she was, looking all pretty, just like she had all semester… If only Joey could work up the courage to talk to her. He took Interpersonal Communications for this very reason… unfortunately, he's failing because all he does is day-dream about Lisa... Lovely Lisa! He'd been reading poetry, trying to find the right words to approach her.
Finally, the last day of class arrived. After reciting his Lisa-inspired poem 14 times, numerous late-night roomie pep-talks, encouragement from his Mommy, and a final text-message "CHICKEN!" from his last mission companion, Joey stopped her in the hallway.
His mouth hung open, awkwardly, and haltingly the words began… "Hey , uh, your shoe is untied."
Any of that sound familiar?
Ryan: If only Joey had studied meticulously Krista’s amazing guide to flirting; she is an expert!
Krista: The first thing every boy or girl should know about flirting is that it does not always come naturally. Everyone can be a good flirt, but it may take some practice. Flirting is all about making others feel good. Before you can do that you, yourself, need to be confident and like who you are. The two go hand in hand; the more you flirt, the more confident you will be.
Ryan: People tend to underestimate their own worth, and I’m no exception. We all struggle with selling ourselves short. We are our own worst critics and although it can motivate us to push ourselves, there are negative influences as well. Dating is all about being willing to be yourself, your truest self because when you are you will be able to connect with others. It takes courage and it’s hard, but the hard is what makes it so great! When you are sincere and the other person is sincere there can be magic that makes all the difficulty worth it. But if, in that situation, either of you is false it is ruined.
Ryan: Being you is the key to success in dating. Hitch states that “’you’ is a very fluid concept right now.” This holds true. Being yourself doesn’t mean that you can’t change and progress, it just means that you don’t hide who you are, what you feel, what you think and where you want to be.
Krista: Here are some basic points on how to be good at flirting. Don't worry if you are not a natural flirt. If you follow these simple guidelines you will be a pro in no time!
A Guide to Flirting:
1. Smile! A simple smile can brighten anyone's day. When you smile, it makes you more approachable. A smile sends off a signal of, "come talk to me, I won't bite." Krista: Girls, it might just be the one thing to give guys the courage to walk right up and talk to you.
2. Eye contact. Eye Contact is an essential social skill. Making and holding eye contact appropriately while conversing is good manners and shows your confidence. Making eye contact with your interest lets them know you might be interested. Krista: Girls, when he meets your eyes, hold his gaze for a few seconds then look away. Try flashing him a smile just as your eyes meet, and you'll have him hooked. Ryan: Catch the hint dudes! You just got a stamp of approval! Better get moving! Fortunately, you will have to do more than just catch her eye, you get to approach her!
3. Touch. Repetitive touching shows that you are interested in being more than just a friend. A word of caution here is to not be overly aggressive. In any physical interaction, your enthusiasm and energy should reflect your interest level. Ryan: Guys, don’t burst any bubbles! Respecting their comfort level is paramount. And yet, don’t be a wuss; just pay attention to her response. Krista: Simple touches will do the trick. Girls, casually touch his hand, leg or shoulder while talking. Or playfully hit him when he teases you. Ryan: Very few guys are dense enough to miss that one!
4. Attention. Attention shows your sincere interest in the person, as a whole. Everyone has different emotional needs, some are high, some are low, but everyone can appreciate talking to someone who sincerely cares to know more about them. When conversing, pay attention, Listen! Ask questions and share your opinions. Krista: Girls, guys love attention from the opposite sex. Be careful not to smother him with attention. It is ok to flirt slightly with other guys around you, but make sure to give the guy you want most of your attention. Ryan: Guys, in what is surely a major point of confusion, the “extra” attention we attempt to give simply isn’t enough. Girls don’t speak our language on this one. You have to step out of your fuzzy little comfort zone and do something that will actually stand out to the girl. Krista: Girls like it when guys are spontaneous and do things they know we like to do, even if it isn’t something they enjoy so much.
5. Friends: Friends are important and we should all have some. Ryan: Guys, sometimes we have crushes on our friends. It’s okay to go on a date with them, who cares if she “likes” you or not, just do it, you’ll have fun and maybe something marvelous will occur. If you are truly friends, you won’t be ruining your friendship in the slightest. Krista: Girls, it is great to have friends. Everyone should have friends. But guys will not ask you out if you are constantly with 10 of your girlfriends. They are intimidated by you as it is, but they are terrified when you are surrounded by other girls. When you catch eyes with a guy you might be interested in, take a second to step away from the group. Just long enough for him to come up and talk to you. Ryan: Please note guys, she said a second, you’d better move quickly! If you don’t remember, that’s one-alligator.
The Ask
Just do it! This is the dude’s responsibility. Don’t just ask a girl at the beginning of a conversation, try this one out: Talk to her first! And try calling it a date. Krista: When a guy says, “we should hang out sometime” it’s not very impressive. However, when he says, “will you go on a date with me Friday night?” I am much more interested. Girls like knowing if it is a date.
Don’t NOT ask a girl out because you are intimidated by her; trying is worth more than being flawless when you are approaching a girl. Being nervous is normal; some people just hide it better. The effort is telling the girl that you are trying. You’ll fail, but she’ll appreciate the effort and what it means. Krista: Girls find it flattering when a guy is nervous to ask them out so don’t worry about it too much. Just do it!
Although you don’t need a plan when you call, having some idea in mind and a timeframe for her to plan one is best. If she knows how long to plan on, you can bet she’ll be more likely to commit (to the date, slow down!)
Elder Oaks has taught us much… yes, yes, we know the talk is taboo, but get over it and listen up.
Gone is the clumsy and inexpensive phone call your parents and grandparents and I used to make. That call went something like this: “What’re ya doin’ tonight? How about a movie?” Or, “How about taking a walk downtown?” Cheap dates like that can be frequent and nonthreatening, since they don’t seem to imply a continuing commitment. (“The Dedication of a Lifetime,” May, 2005)
The Date
Case Study #2—Billy
Billy arrives at Susie's door, 25 minutes late for their first date. He is unshaven, and smells like a basketball game. Susie wrinkles her nose in disgust and wonders 'when will this be over?' Billy asks, "So, what do you wanna do?" Susie tried to think of an excuse. Billy decided they'd go bowling, because there's nothing else to do in Rexburg. Billy and Susie strolled through the Gardens, awkwardly passing 7 couples engaged in "friendly" conversation, on their way to the MC. Once there, they discovered that the bowling lanes were all reserved. Billy asks, "Any ideas?" Billy decides he's hungry. Off to the galley they go. Billy pays for himself. Susie stands looking confused as Billy walks towards the food.
Susie is feeling particularly forgiving tonight, and decides, since she is hungry, to pay for herself. As she grabs her own tray, Billy tells her about the amazing pasta entrée he'd discovered. They find their way to a table, and end up sitting next to his basketball buddies. The smell is unbelievable. Billy remembers to introduce her, as he finishes his fourth helping of fried chicken. One problem, Billy forgot something. "Sarah?, Sally?, what was your name again?"...
Second Date?
Krista: I don’t think so!
Ryan: Besides the general lack of courtesy and etiquette, Billy forgot one little detail… one very important, not-so-little detail called planning.
Krista: Here is when Ryan’s date planning guide would come in handy.
Date planning 101
First, I think it is important to realize that you should plan well. You should show your appreciation to the lovely young lady who said yes, allowing you, a bum, to take her on a date. Plan it well. Examine your goals and plan accordingly. Some of your goals should include:
1. Having fun
2. Impressing her
3. Getting to know her
With your goals chosen, you should choose activities that will accomplish them. Therefore, almost every date should be interactive and provide plenty of opportunities to converse.
Krista: I love going on interaction dates where I am able to talk to the guy and get to know him. Some of my favorites are making dinner together, playing a game, or just going on a walk.
Ryan: There isn’t a secret recipe for a perfect date. Do normal things and make them fun. Everyone is busy. Respect her time by keeping most dates short and sweet, leave her wanting more(hopefully...)
Ryan: Dating inexpensively allows for more frequent dating and helps develop bonds of friendship and understanding. Dating on a budget requires more creativity and personal effort that shows your true character, rather than the quality of your bank account or your credit card limit.
A date is just that. One date means nothing more than a small number of hours in each other’s company. Elder Oaks has told us that “to go on a date is not to imply a continuing commitment.” Most first dates you go on won’t result in anything more. Elder Oaks offers a definition; ”dating is pairing off to experience the kind of one-on-one association and temporary commitment that can lead to marriage, in some rare and treasured cases.” Only one of your first dates will be that rare and treasured. Application? Chill out and just have fun. If it doesn’t go well, it was only a few hours, move on and don’t stress it. It takes two to progress in any relationship. It’s no one’s fault if things don’t “click.” Ryan: Perhaps you should be aware of the common themes as you are dating. It’s good to know what qualities you are looking for, but realize that you are wrong on a few accounts. Date for a variety of qualities, that way you can learn which ones really matter. Krista: You probably have a certain type of person you usually date, but you never know who you could connect with. You just might end up falling for someone you would never expect.
The Doorstep
The doorstep doesn’t have to be as scary and awkward as some people make it out to be. Ryan: If she’s worth kissing, it’s worth waiting for. Krista: It definitely shouldn’t occur at the doorstep either!
After walking your date to her door, thank her for going on the date with you. Ryan: This is a perfect opportunity to test the second date water temperature. Say something like, “I enjoyed your company and would like to take you out again.” Her response tells you what you need to know. Krista: If she hesitates it probably means she isn’t that interested. But if she agrees and seems excited it’s a good sign she’ll give you another shot. Give her a hug and make your exit.
The Post-Date
There seems to be a tendency toward over-analyzing social interactions. Don’t fall into that trap. Think back, and decide if you had fun. That is all that matters at this stage of the game. Ryan: Ladies, if you appreciate the date and especially if you had a great time and are interested in further dates; tell him so. It’s easiest with a text or perhaps even an email. No guy will miss that signal or will be frightened off by such a sincere expression of, “I had a great time, thank you for taking me on our date. (Insert inside joke/tease/reference here).” Personally, the post-date text after I dropped off a girl is pure gold. Krista: Even if I had a great time, I would never suggest another date. That is the guys’ responsibility. It can be very frustrating, but girls, you must be patient!
The Next Week
Now this is the hard part… you have to remember if you had fun last time. If you did, men, you ask her out again. That is the entire equation. You don’t have to consider anything! Isn’t that nice? Girls, the same applies with a slight modification… you have to think a little further ahead. You mustn’t give a man a false hope if you are not interested. Be mindful that he might surprise you and could be what you are looking for. Give him at least two chances if there is any potential.
Case Study #3—Katrina
Mike had a great time after his second date with Katrina. Katrina, on the other hand, didn't feel Mike could live up to her knight in shining armour, Elder Tubb. Tuesday afternoon, Mike runs into Katrina in the library and asks her on a date for Friday evening. Feeling slightly squeamish, she replies, "Uh, I have to wash my hair. It’s not you, it’s me. I think I'm busy. I just want to be friends. I'm not looking for a relationship." Mike completely thrown off by her comments, stammers out, "k then, see you later."
Ryan: Wow, sounds far too familiar… oh, the memories!
Krista: Girls, if you really aren’t interested in another date be honest, but at the same time, let him down gently. Guys have feelings too.
Ryan: It’s true! We are just too tough to let you see them. I think that the most important thing you can do, in respecting us, your suitors, is to be honest and considerate. Both, at the same time will be true and yet will also be gentle to our sensitive side. As much as we might not want to be rejected, it’s better to get it out of the way before both sides have invested more time, effort, and often pain into something that shouldn’t have happened.
Krista: It’s hard to turn a guy down, but you need to respect his time and your time.
There is the other side here. What if she says yes? Let the games begin!
The wonderful thing about dating is that “it allow[s] you to see how you treat others and how you are treated in a one-on-one situation. It [gives] opportunities to learn how to initiate and sustain a mature relationship.” (That was your favorite Elder Oaks again)
Beyond the first date, being open with your feelings will become steadily more important. Don't be fake. Be real, be yourself and then you can find a true relationship, instead of one where you are acting as other than who you really are. When someone hasn’t learned who they are, they are unable to connect in meaningful ways with others.
Ryan: Learn what you are looking for and don't be indecisive. If you don't know who you are, you won't find yourself by meeting others. Go on a social sabbatical and discover yourself in your own room, or outdoors… a life-threatening experience usually helps out.
Krista: Communication is pretty much the only way to know if the relationship will progress into anything more than a first date. Both of you need to be honest and say what you are feeling. Don’t leave them wondering when you can so easily reassure them.
In the “rare and treasured case” we find happiness beyond our ability to comprehend, but it will require a lot of effort to achieve. And so we ask, shouldn't dating be one of the hardest things to do? Shouldn't it hurt and ache and heal and make you sigh with joy and contentment, all in the same week? Fortunately, it will!
