Hurting...

Well, I waxed a little bold and laid out the facts before her tonight... It was an interesting experience. I know she likes me, and I know that I like her. Things don't have to end, but as far as where they will go... I have no idea... I can't tell but I am willing to give it my best shot for the future... I feel bad because instead of keeping my feelings locked away in my heart, where they don't hurt anyone but me... I shared them with her and have essentially sent the pain completely over to her. I feel bad for her, why did I do that to her? Perhaps, I knew what I was doing and acted without concern because I wanted to avoid the doubts that plague me as I fail to express myself adequately for the feelings behind my soul... I feel bad that I did that to her, even as she is feeling bad for causing me to feel that way. Who knows what will happen in the entirety, but I hope that these times can be fond memories for her as they are for me... I wish she was mine... I've had a really good time...

BLAH!!!

Words cannot describe my frustration at the current situation and at my inability to do anything more than hope. All my frustration tends to come full circle from the situation and get pointed at myself and then I get sad. I'm sad. I hurt. My stone heart is cracking... I can't see how I can succeed and I just want the pain to go away so that I can focus on life again without distraction. I suppose that the flaw in that thought process is that I am not really living life with my heart and when I do, for once, I want to run away to protect myself from the pain that can occur.... Wish granted... I said I wanted to experience some heartache... I think I am getting a delivery.... Dumb Ryan.... stop wishing you could grow! This is what you get, real feelings, and the real pain that follows because nothing will ever work out for you because that is just the way it goes.... I don't really believe that. I don't believe that at all. I know something will work out.... the only question is when? And the other "only" question is; Can I survive until then? Answer: Ba-na-na.... Co-co-nut....

Miss You-Know-Who-You-Are

Well, you've decided to visit... Welcome! I hope that the contents of these entries won't be traumatizing... I'm sure you are able to read me like an open book and know what I think of you, but here I have put it to words: the frustrations, the fears, the pain, the highs, the lows...
I have to be honest about these things. I don't want to live my life with regrets of roads not traveled because of fears or difficulties. I just want you to know the truth. Truth sets us free; it gives us the knowledge we need to make our choices. I obviously; and amazingly, considering my history and experiences; have a great desire to continue to develop a relationship with you. I haven't ever experienced things like this before and have to pursue it to the end, to the best of my abilities... This is how I try to live my life and how I have to be in this aspect as well.
I'm sorry that I can't be my normal self so that you can just realize that I am not a total dweeb. I'm trying but I haven't been able to pull it off. I am intimidated by you. I think you are amazing. I want you to respect me and understand me because I feel like you might understand how things could be. I'm digging myself a hole to hide in with this discourse, but honesty is.... worth lots? Hemingway could fire off his retort about big words, or lengthy sermons being a poor method to communicate, but I do the best I can!
Continuing... I don't really have any recommendations, I started writing about you in the note GOO!!! so you might want to consider starting there... It might give the best flow... Who knows, you are a big girl, with a big, well-developed brain... I think you've got all the necessary keys to understand what I have been saying... oh, shoot, you actually need a healthy dose of oddity and insanity to really comprehend what is going on in my head, so I suppose that all I can say is: GOOD LUCK!!!

Closure...

I have come to a point where all I want out of this relationship, since things are looking terminal because she has been living in the future instead of the present and giving this a chance, is closure. I just want to know that she did like me and that if things were different that there was possibilities for us. I suppose this is the final defence mechanism for me in my emotional life. I have to know that it wasn't my fault and or that it was the circumstance. I don't think I will hear differently in the forseeable future because girls are usually nice and wouldn't admit that to me... My theme song "I had a good time" from Boston, talks about, well, I'm gonna look up the lyrics...

Hey, you can be so unfair
And you know I will remember
You said you'd always be there
When you go

Hey, I wanted you to know
I wish you were mine
And I, I just wanted you to know
I had a good time
Ooh I, I had a really good time

You can lie and I'll still believe it
It's OK, it doesn't matter
I know that you really mean it
In your own way

Hey, I wanted you to know
I wish you were mine
And I, I just wanted you to know
I had a good time
Ooh I, I had a really good time

You know what you want
Well maybe love is blind
But's alright, it's cool
I just wanted you to know
I had a really good time

Well I've been in love
But nothing lasts forever
So just hold on long enough
And maybe you'll end up together
It's alright, yeah, yeah, yeah

You can lie to my face and I'll believe it
It's OK, 'cause there's a feeling you can't replace
You didn't mean it anyway

Hey, I wanted you to know
I wish you were mine And I,
I just wanted you to know
I had a good time
Ooh I, I had a really good time

I suppose that the experience of the last two months will definitely have taught me things, but I do believe that I have lost what could have been more wonderful than it has been because I get so weird, and because I have been struggling in my consistency in my relationship with her. I get so affected with doubts when I feel like I want to be close to someone and things aren't working out. I am just a psycho in relationships... I really am convinced that I wouldn't set myself up on a date. I'm so weird! I really want things to work out in some way, but the glorious thing about the entire experience is that I am really okay with whatever happens... I feel like I have learned much from her and that I am better because of her. I hope that things work out because I don't want to lose her, but decisions are made... I will respect her enough to know that she can choose her life. I've enjoyed what we've had...

Opinions

I was just thinking about what one of my good friends who was one of my companions in the mission field told me recently. I was talking about this girl who I think is so much cooler and stronger than I, and I mentioned how I thought she was a spiritual champion too and as I expressed my thoughts that she is so much above me; I do want to marry up; he told me this, I'll paraphrase:

I don't know very many who know and understand the doctrines like you do, and
it's not just that you know them, you live according to your knowledge.

That means a lot to me, I'm very grateful for his words. I think that I often am unable to see the good qualities I possess because I am so caught up in my weaknesses and I want to progress but I make myself discouraged by my prolific weaknesses. I think there is a tendency for us to be hindered by Satan through discouragement. Satan doesn't want us to be in a position to have a quality relationship with someone who will challenge us to improve. He doesn't want us to marry a right person. Definitely, anyone can marry and function and have a good life with enough commitment to the gospel and to their covenants, but I don't want to just function, I want happiness that is surreal, I don't want to have to work for my marriage relationship, I want to want to work for my marriage relationship.

DTR

Well, I did it, I talked to her about things. I told her that I would miss her when she leaves. I told her that I wished she wasn't leaving. We discussed things, she basically told me that there is competition that causes her to be very reticent to enter a relationship. I talked to her about my history and how I feel like I know what I look for. She told me about her past relationships and the things she learned from them. It was a very interesting conversation and I think I acted like an idiot again. We talked about some of the ways I view the world and I think she came to understand why I have acted so strangely around her. Who knows what is going on? We are a little closer to knowing and understanding each other now that the avenue of conversation has been opened, but it hasn't solved any problems yet... I guess that all I know right now is that I haven't killed it yet. There is still hope for this... I hope it works out positively for me, because I am definitely emotionally involved to the point of getting hurt if things never work out. I am falling for her!

I have come to realize the importance of one of her phrases. She told me that she dated a boy who was very bad for her for 10 months. He liked his understanding of who she was. She was constantly pressured by him to be a specific aspect of her personality instead of the package deal. I think that she is concerned that I like her so much. She feels I must be doing the same thing that this former guy did. I feel that there could be some truth to it, but I think that there can be a progression in it. I feel like I would like to know her well enough to like the real her. I feel like she is very concerned about that and I want to be sure that I am sincere in my interest in the real her. I definitely am not motivated by anything other than wonder and awe with the person she is thus far, and the key, I believe, is that I want to know everything about her. I want to get to know the entire package so that I can like the complete person that she is. It takes time, all that I can say at this point is that everything I know of her I like. What comes next, I don't know and that can only be approached when it comes my way.