About that distance...

Well, I discovered last night that homework is more important to her than I am, which is acceptable and attractive, despite the pain that it brings with it. I just remembered that I'd had the information necessary to understand an etiological factor in her distance. She was in a relationship last winter semester and was broken up with during finals in April. I feel bad that she had to deal with that but I look at it now and see how that is a likely reason she is maintaining a distance with me. I think she likes me, we spend a lot of time together and despite my nervousness, lack of confidence, stumbling attempts at speaking, weird comments, obsessive habits, and other obvious lacks I have discovered since I've met her, she appears to enjoy the time we spend together enough to join me again and again as I continue to pursue her. I know that as time passes, she will be less and less likely to open up to me, as the day of her departure from this place approaches; therefore, I need to bring this to light, to her light. The time is now, or maybe later, or maybe this weekend... But soon, definitely soon...

As my title suggests... I am rambling... It is about a young lady though

Well, I am here, at this point in my life where I feel like I need to take the steps to establish where things can go. I have never felt this way about anyone before. I think that she likes me, I see many reasons to believe so, but she is also maintaining a distance. I suspect that the distance comes because she is transferring to a different school in 3 weeks.
I don't want things to change. I know that if time were available, things could resolve themselves, but I don't have that luxury. I know that I feel very strongly that she has the qualities I look for in a person I would marry. I am not sure if that is the direction I think this will be heading, but I do feel like this is finally a girl whom I could.
I must somehow prepare myself to have an all important discussion with this girl. I need to define the relationship. I am okay with whatever happens, but I definitely want things to progress, albeit at a much slower pace when we are separated by 300 miles. I originally just wanted to write what I would say to her, but I am not quite ready for that yet, I will try to prepare myself and my thoughts to the point where I can be ready to tell her what is important to me. I need to do so to allow myself to prepare for the remainder of the semester with it's incumbent tests. I need to discover how I really feel as I approach that moment. I have recently become frightened because I have diminished in my whoopedness over this girl. I have become somewhat normal again, but along with that I have lessened in my desires to pursue. I worry that I will again run away from a marvelous girl, just because I am weird and can't be consistent in my dating endeavors. She has changed me for the better, no matter what happens...

Girl

So, I have had this experience of note in the last month or so. I have had the wonderful opportunity to meet a girl in whom I see a marvelous mix of attributes that compliment mine in a way I've never experienced, but even more importantly, who I have begun to fall for in a way I've only heard of, never experienced. She is incredible. I don't have words to describe her completely because I respect most people and admire many people, and she blows me away with the combination of good looks, spirituality, emotional maturity, coolness, funniness, intelligence, attitude, happiness, maturity, priorities, energy, and pretty much everything except for her spelling and math skills. She is driven, pursues challenges and success in what she wants to accomplish, is beautiful and totally down to earth. I could love a girl like her with all my heart for eternity. If it will be her, only time will tell as she will be moving away to go to a different school 300 miles away from me in January... All I know, even though I can't act normally when I am around her because I am so intimidated by her, is that I want to hold her close, to be with her for the all the time she will let me, but that I don't want to get hurt and I know that this is finally a girl who can do it. I am very close to not knowing what I should do about it. I know what I should do about it, but I don't know if I can do that, the uncertainty of what will happen when I talk to her about things gives me pause. I don't want to ruin what I would miss if she no longer allows me to be near her for the next 3 weeks... That makes me fear losing the first girl that I really am falling for...

The OLD

I have spent the week with the "old friends," the guys I spent my high school and freshman year of college with. I hadn't ever realized so much about them as I have this week. I've come to understand that we are completely different people. I have realized that we have the "pretty boy", the "musician", and "Mr. Spontaneous." I don't think I can name myself... so I won't even try. I have realized that despite the changes that these fine men have influenced in my life, I have changed beyond what they can inspire in the 3.5 years since we have all been together. I feel like they haven't changed as much as I have, and that I am in a position where I can't expect or hope to interact with them all the time like I did in olden times, without losing some of my progress in life. It would be a lovely comfort zone, full of -- the same things I did in High School -- but wouldn't leave me fulfilled or progressing in life. I will always cherish and remember the fine experiences of my years with them, but I can't ever go back to them. I had always imagined that we would return to our norm, but maybe that is exactly what has happened, I just hadn't remembered the truth. Who knows? People change, maybe that is just the way it will always be. I guess I won't have to miss the days of yore anymore.

GOO!

I haven't done this before, so I am going to give it my best shot. I feel like happiness. I rarely ever have any other primary emotion in my life. I am just happy; but sometimes... a girl will strike!
I'll be moving along, minding my own business when I am struck with a girl who probably doesn't even know it, but quite suddenly she has an influence on my life and my happiness level. I definitely enjoy those moments, but it still stinks to have the downs associated with it. I don't know why I seem to fall so quickly, but I pick myself up almost as quickly, so I guess it isn't all bad. I could fall fast and hard and then take a year recovering... so I am still counting my blessings on that one. All is well in Zion, Zion prospereth, all is well... Anyway, I suppose that I am going to recover again from this one when I mess this one up... But in the mean time, I will stay on my rollercoaster of confusion.

Oh, so I am apparently not done venting... I am usually confident and able to talk normally, to be funny, but recently I have lost all ability to be normal around a girl. She has thrown me so far out of control over my life that I am unable to talk to her. I can't get over it, and the poor girl has this usually cool guy who suddenly can't talk or look her in the eyes for very long, or hold a normal conversation, who says really dumb stuff all the time.... great times huh? So now, now I am done.