Thursday, November 29, 2007

A paper on dating, co-written with a girl in my class

Dating is awkward, but so is becoming the crazy cat lady or the creepy old man. As fellow travelers on this rollercoaster o’ joy, we thought we’d share some insights we’ve gained through the many highs and lows regarding the social interaction known as “dating.” We have made our share of mistakes, and we’ve seen the mistakes of many others; collectively, there are a lot of crazy things that happen in our world of dating. And so here we are, writing to you, the many of you that claim “single” on facebook, in the attempt to help you avoid some of the errors we have witnessed, or committed, in our collective years of experience. We offer a no guarantees, we aren’t qualified to help you get married or anything… but there are some common misunderstandings that once corrected will help ease the pain and make this journey more enjoyable.

And now, you may ask, “why listen to you? “ Our response,” why not?” We may have nothing to offer that you don’t already know, you’re smart like that, but why not find out if you can gain from our experiences?

We’ll take a look at a typical progression through a first date as a platform for our discussion. We’ve included, for our enjoyment, some semi-fictional “case studies” about the various situations encountered.

The Flirt

Welcome to the crucial first step. Without this, you ain’t goin’ nowhere! And so, perhaps a definition is in order:

Ryan: Well, this is a hard one because flirting isn’t the same for everyone. Flirting isn't a list of to-dos or anything complex. Flirting is a desire to progress an acquaintancy into a friendship or a potential dating relationship. By appropriate flirtation, everyone can feel happier and experience a boost in confidence. Flirting is the way we can express our interest in another individual in general. If everyone flirted more, we could all experience these boosts and upliftment more often…

Krista: Everyone has their own way of flirting. If you’re like Ryan, you use some cheesy pick up line to break the ice. These unfortunately don’t work out too well. Just say “hi” and let the conversation flow.

Ryan: Thanks… About lines… here’s a story from my life, names changed to protect me.

Case Study #1— Joey

There she was, looking all pretty, just like she had all semester… If only Joey could work up the courage to talk to her. He took Interpersonal Communications for this very reason… unfortunately, he's failing because all he does is day-dream about Lisa... Lovely Lisa! He'd been reading poetry, trying to find the right words to approach her.

Finally, the last day of class arrived. After reciting his Lisa-inspired poem 14 times, numerous late-night roomie pep-talks, encouragement from his Mommy, and a final text-message "CHICKEN!" from his last mission companion, Joey stopped her in the hallway.

His mouth hung open, awkwardly, and haltingly the words began… "Hey , uh, your shoe is untied."

Any of that sound familiar?

Ryan: If only Joey had studied meticulously Krista’s amazing guide to flirting; she is an expert!

Krista: The first thing every boy or girl should know about flirting is that it does not always come naturally. Everyone can be a good flirt, but it may take some practice. Flirting is all about making others feel good. Before you can do that you, yourself, need to be confident and like who you are. The two go hand in hand; the more you flirt, the more confident you will be.

Ryan: People tend to underestimate their own worth, and I’m no exception. We all struggle with selling ourselves short. We are our own worst critics and although it can motivate us to push ourselves, there are negative influences as well. Dating is all about being willing to be yourself, your truest self because when you are you will be able to connect with others. It takes courage and it’s hard, but the hard is what makes it so great! When you are sincere and the other person is sincere there can be magic that makes all the difficulty worth it. But if, in that situation, either of you is false it is ruined.

Ryan: Being you is the key to success in dating. Hitch states that “’you’ is a very fluid concept right now.” This holds true. Being yourself doesn’t mean that you can’t change and progress, it just means that you don’t hide who you are, what you feel, what you think and where you want to be.

Krista: Here are some basic points on how to be good at flirting. Don't worry if you are not a natural flirt. If you follow these simple guidelines you will be a pro in no time!

A Guide to Flirting:

1. Smile! A simple smile can brighten anyone's day. When you smile, it makes you more approachable. A smile sends off a signal of, "come talk to me, I won't bite." Krista: Girls, it might just be the one thing to give guys the courage to walk right up and talk to you.

2. Eye contact. Eye Contact is an essential social skill. Making and holding eye contact appropriately while conversing is good manners and shows your confidence. Making eye contact with your interest lets them know you might be interested. Krista: Girls, when he meets your eyes, hold his gaze for a few seconds then look away. Try flashing him a smile just as your eyes meet, and you'll have him hooked. Ryan: Catch the hint dudes! You just got a stamp of approval! Better get moving! Fortunately, you will have to do more than just catch her eye, you get to approach her!

3. Touch. Repetitive touching shows that you are interested in being more than just a friend. A word of caution here is to not be overly aggressive. In any physical interaction, your enthusiasm and energy should reflect your interest level. Ryan: Guys, don’t burst any bubbles! Respecting their comfort level is paramount. And yet, don’t be a wuss; just pay attention to her response. Krista: Simple touches will do the trick. Girls, casually touch his hand, leg or shoulder while talking. Or playfully hit him when he teases you. Ryan: Very few guys are dense enough to miss that one!

4. Attention. Attention shows your sincere interest in the person, as a whole. Everyone has different emotional needs, some are high, some are low, but everyone can appreciate talking to someone who sincerely cares to know more about them. When conversing, pay attention, Listen! Ask questions and share your opinions. Krista: Girls, guys love attention from the opposite sex. Be careful not to smother him with attention. It is ok to flirt slightly with other guys around you, but make sure to give the guy you want most of your attention. Ryan: Guys, in what is surely a major point of confusion, the “extra” attention we attempt to give simply isn’t enough. Girls don’t speak our language on this one. You have to step out of your fuzzy little comfort zone and do something that will actually stand out to the girl. Krista: Girls like it when guys are spontaneous and do things they know we like to do, even if it isn’t something they enjoy so much.

5. Friends: Friends are important and we should all have some. Ryan: Guys, sometimes we have crushes on our friends. It’s okay to go on a date with them, who cares if she “likes” you or not, just do it, you’ll have fun and maybe something marvelous will occur. If you are truly friends, you won’t be ruining your friendship in the slightest. Krista: Girls, it is great to have friends. Everyone should have friends. But guys will not ask you out if you are constantly with 10 of your girlfriends. They are intimidated by you as it is, but they are terrified when you are surrounded by other girls. When you catch eyes with a guy you might be interested in, take a second to step away from the group. Just long enough for him to come up and talk to you. Ryan: Please note guys, she said a second, you’d better move quickly! If you don’t remember, that’s one-alligator.

The Ask

Just do it! This is the dude’s responsibility. Don’t just ask a girl at the beginning of a conversation, try this one out: Talk to her first! And try calling it a date. Krista: When a guy says, “we should hang out sometime” it’s not very impressive. However, when he says, “will you go on a date with me Friday night?” I am much more interested. Girls like knowing if it is a date.

Don’t NOT ask a girl out because you are intimidated by her; trying is worth more than being flawless when you are approaching a girl. Being nervous is normal; some people just hide it better. The effort is telling the girl that you are trying. You’ll fail, but she’ll appreciate the effort and what it means. Krista: Girls find it flattering when a guy is nervous to ask them out so don’t worry about it too much. Just do it!

Although you don’t need a plan when you call, having some idea in mind and a timeframe for her to plan one is best. If she knows how long to plan on, you can bet she’ll be more likely to commit (to the date, slow down!)

Elder Oaks has taught us much… yes, yes, we know the talk is taboo, but get over it and listen up.

Gone is the clumsy and inexpensive phone call your parents and grandparents and I used to make. That call went something like this: “What’re ya doin’ tonight? How about a movie?” Or, “How about taking a walk downtown?” Cheap dates like that can be frequent and nonthreatening, since they don’t seem to imply a continuing commitment. (“The Dedication of a Lifetime,” May, 2005)

The Date

Case Study #2—Billy

Billy arrives at Susie's door, 25 minutes late for their first date. He is unshaven, and smells like a basketball game. Susie wrinkles her nose in disgust and wonders 'when will this be over?' Billy asks, "So, what do you wanna do?" Susie tried to think of an excuse. Billy decided they'd go bowling, because there's nothing else to do in Rexburg. Billy and Susie strolled through the Gardens, awkwardly passing 7 couples engaged in "friendly" conversation, on their way to the MC. Once there, they discovered that the bowling lanes were all reserved. Billy asks, "Any ideas?" Billy decides he's hungry. Off to the galley they go. Billy pays for himself. Susie stands looking confused as Billy walks towards the food.

Susie is feeling particularly forgiving tonight, and decides, since she is hungry, to pay for herself. As she grabs her own tray, Billy tells her about the amazing pasta entrée he'd discovered. They find their way to a table, and end up sitting next to his basketball buddies. The smell is unbelievable. Billy remembers to introduce her, as he finishes his fourth helping of fried chicken. One problem, Billy forgot something. "Sarah?, Sally?, what was your name again?"...

Second Date?

Krista: I don’t think so!

Ryan: Besides the general lack of courtesy and etiquette, Billy forgot one little detail… one very important, not-so-little detail called planning.

Krista: Here is when Ryan’s date planning guide would come in handy.

Date planning 101

First, I think it is important to realize that you should plan well. You should show your appreciation to the lovely young lady who said yes, allowing you, a bum, to take her on a date. Plan it well. Examine your goals and plan accordingly. Some of your goals should include:

1. Having fun

2. Impressing her

3. Getting to know her

With your goals chosen, you should choose activities that will accomplish them. Therefore, almost every date should be interactive and provide plenty of opportunities to converse.

Krista: I love going on interaction dates where I am able to talk to the guy and get to know him. Some of my favorites are making dinner together, playing a game, or just going on a walk.

Ryan: There isn’t a secret recipe for a perfect date. Do normal things and make them fun. Everyone is busy. Respect her time by keeping most dates short and sweet, leave her wanting more(hopefully...)

Ryan: Dating inexpensively allows for more frequent dating and helps develop bonds of friendship and understanding. Dating on a budget requires more creativity and personal effort that shows your true character, rather than the quality of your bank account or your credit card limit.

A date is just that. One date means nothing more than a small number of hours in each other’s company. Elder Oaks has told us that “to go on a date is not to imply a continuing commitment.” Most first dates you go on won’t result in anything more. Elder Oaks offers a definition; ”dating is pairing off to experience the kind of one-on-one association and temporary commitment that can lead to marriage, in some rare and treasured cases.” Only one of your first dates will be that rare and treasured. Application? Chill out and just have fun. If it doesn’t go well, it was only a few hours, move on and don’t stress it. It takes two to progress in any relationship. It’s no one’s fault if things don’t “click.” Ryan: Perhaps you should be aware of the common themes as you are dating. It’s good to know what qualities you are looking for, but realize that you are wrong on a few accounts. Date for a variety of qualities, that way you can learn which ones really matter. Krista: You probably have a certain type of person you usually date, but you never know who you could connect with. You just might end up falling for someone you would never expect.

The Doorstep

The doorstep doesn’t have to be as scary and awkward as some people make it out to be. Ryan: If she’s worth kissing, it’s worth waiting for. Krista: It definitely shouldn’t occur at the doorstep either!

After walking your date to her door, thank her for going on the date with you. Ryan: This is a perfect opportunity to test the second date water temperature. Say something like, “I enjoyed your company and would like to take you out again.” Her response tells you what you need to know. Krista: If she hesitates it probably means she isn’t that interested. But if she agrees and seems excited it’s a good sign she’ll give you another shot. Give her a hug and make your exit.

The Post-Date

There seems to be a tendency toward over-analyzing social interactions. Don’t fall into that trap. Think back, and decide if you had fun. That is all that matters at this stage of the game. Ryan: Ladies, if you appreciate the date and especially if you had a great time and are interested in further dates; tell him so. It’s easiest with a text or perhaps even an email. No guy will miss that signal or will be frightened off by such a sincere expression of, “I had a great time, thank you for taking me on our date. (Insert inside joke/tease/reference here).” Personally, the post-date text after I dropped off a girl is pure gold. Krista: Even if I had a great time, I would never suggest another date. That is the guys’ responsibility. It can be very frustrating, but girls, you must be patient!

The Next Week

Now this is the hard part… you have to remember if you had fun last time. If you did, men, you ask her out again. That is the entire equation. You don’t have to consider anything! Isn’t that nice? Girls, the same applies with a slight modification… you have to think a little further ahead. You mustn’t give a man a false hope if you are not interested. Be mindful that he might surprise you and could be what you are looking for. Give him at least two chances if there is any potential.

Case Study #3—Katrina

Mike had a great time after his second date with Katrina. Katrina, on the other hand, didn't feel Mike could live up to her knight in shining armour, Elder Tubb. Tuesday afternoon, Mike runs into Katrina in the library and asks her on a date for Friday evening. Feeling slightly squeamish, she replies, "Uh, I have to wash my hair. It’s not you, it’s me. I think I'm busy. I just want to be friends. I'm not looking for a relationship." Mike completely thrown off by her comments, stammers out, "k then, see you later."

Ryan: Wow, sounds far too familiar… oh, the memories!

Krista: Girls, if you really aren’t interested in another date be honest, but at the same time, let him down gently. Guys have feelings too.

Ryan: It’s true! We are just too tough to let you see them. I think that the most important thing you can do, in respecting us, your suitors, is to be honest and considerate. Both, at the same time will be true and yet will also be gentle to our sensitive side. As much as we might not want to be rejected, it’s better to get it out of the way before both sides have invested more time, effort, and often pain into something that shouldn’t have happened.

Krista: It’s hard to turn a guy down, but you need to respect his time and your time.

There is the other side here. What if she says yes? Let the games begin!

The wonderful thing about dating is that “it allow[s] you to see how you treat others and how you are treated in a one-on-one situation. It [gives] opportunities to learn how to initiate and sustain a mature relationship.” (That was your favorite Elder Oaks again)

Beyond the first date, being open with your feelings will become steadily more important. Don't be fake. Be real, be yourself and then you can find a true relationship, instead of one where you are acting as other than who you really are. When someone hasn’t learned who they are, they are unable to connect in meaningful ways with others.

Ryan: Learn what you are looking for and don't be indecisive. If you don't know who you are, you won't find yourself by meeting others. Go on a social sabbatical and discover yourself in your own room, or outdoors… a life-threatening experience usually helps out.

Krista: Communication is pretty much the only way to know if the relationship will progress into anything more than a first date. Both of you need to be honest and say what you are feeling. Don’t leave them wondering when you can so easily reassure them.

In the “rare and treasured case” we find happiness beyond our ability to comprehend, but it will require a lot of effort to achieve. And so we ask, shouldn't dating be one of the hardest things to do? Shouldn't it hurt and ache and heal and make you sigh with joy and contentment, all in the same week? Fortunately, it will!

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Flirting Homework... it's a rough life in Idaho!

Thursday, November 15, 2007 12:09 AM

Well, today was an interesting one. I always enjoy Wednesdays because I am so busy I can’t waste time. Today was no exception. As a funny story, I feel like writing about what happened while I was taking pictures to illustrate the different sections of the paper I am writing with a girl in my class about dating/flirting and general relationships. The paper is a blast to write and I am thoroughly enjoying working with this girl. She is much cooler than I could have thought, but that doesn’t really matter for this story. We took pictures of people proposing, flirting, dating, doorstep sceneing, swooning, and screaming out their elation at a return phone call. For the swooning, we had visited about 8 girl apartments, taking dozens of photos that just didn’t quite do it… Finally, we are knocking on doors in my ward to find a girl who can pull off the swoon. I knocked on a door of a girl (I’ll call her Lesley) I took out just Saturday for the second time. I kinda like her, not sure yet, but still, there is a history. I expected her to be out, she usually is on Wed. nights at an event on campus. Tonight, tonight she surprised me. So, I show up, knocking at her door with a cute girl from my English class to take “pictures about dating,” and asking her to swoon like she just got off a great date. She pulled it off marvelously, in one single shot! It was amazing, but then the two girls started talking… girls… and both of them kept giving me the eye of “all-knowing girl power.” It was disturbing and had to stop so I pointed out that Lesley needed to “keep studying.” Boo yah, ackward situation ended… It was the final picture, so classmate and I were done.

Unfortunately I had embarked on a research project plan to study the efficacy of various flirting techniques. In hind sight, I give it 2 thumbs down. It is incredibly difficult to flirt with dozens of girls at a country dancing night without dancing with every single one… It took work and more courage than I wanted to expend. I eventually started using this lame line to initiate conversation… “Do you know how much polar bears weigh? (negative response) Me neither, but I bet it’s enough to break the ice!” Lame huh? I was actually saying that tonight! I’ve gotten much worse at flirting over the last 2 years… How did that happen? Have I become more lame? Well, I gave it my best shot and unfortunately I will have to do another night of it after Thanksgiving break.

Thursday, August 2, 2007

Summer Loving...

Unlike the Grease story, in my life there isn't any. I have been having a fantastic time back home for the summer... there has been a ton of fun had for me. I have loved it! However, per Ryan-style, there has been the ubiquitous drama. I've gone on dates with one girl in particular, who I can't read. I have no idea. She is a complete and utter mystery to me. I've lost my touch or something... I haven't any idea! ANY!! I can't even decide about her in general, but the mystery takes away any possibility of me trying to act on anything prior to leaving town for the school year. It's absurd!

In other news, I have had a long standing crush on a girl I met a year ago. At the time, I was her "adult supervision" at a week-long adventure camp. She was 18 and I was 22. This year, I worked with her in a very similar capacity for one week. I was still very impressed with her. On Friday night after the camp was over, I asked her to go on a date with me that very night. It was a fantastic evening. I loved it, she was a blast! I called her a week later, now from 250 miles away, to say that despite the distance, I would like to go out with her again. I asked if she would help me to do that by letting me know when she would be available. I haven't heard from her in nearly 3 weeks now. I just wish she would call me back. I finally called her last weekend to say "Hi, call me please!" I'm hurt. I had a great time! I think she did too... Why hasn't she simply called me back? Argh!

Well, I have supported my statement regarding drama following me around like a sad little puppy. Maybe I am a sad little puppy? Argh!

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Learning hurts

Well, here I am. I met a lovely young lady in February who, amazingly, liked me. We began to date a little and clicked, we hooked up, and then I broke up. I realized I missed her and so I slowly convinced her to give me "another shot." We finally got back right before the semester broke up for the summer in early April. I drove to her home in Twin Falls to see her, she came back and helped with an orientation program I had worked on; then we went our separate ways for the summer. In early May, she was down here in Utah and we spent a day together. All was well! This last week, something wasn't feeling right about the entire situation... I have been feeling emotionally ill about everything. Tonight, she broke up with me. My guess is that she has developed feelings for another guy. We haven't missed a single night of talking on the phone since we parted our ways for the summer. Now it begins. I feel relief. I have been constantly reversing my feelings for her, not of my own choice, and it is good to have an opportunity to resolve the issues in my life without this complication. She is a fantastic girl and has so much to offer... but the timing, if not the entire relationship, wasn't so good... I am better now. I have learned this well, that dating will always be a painful experience. I have never had such a great time with anyone... but there has been so much bad too... I feel like the two experiences I have had in the 9 months have taught me the extremes. Now I must look for emotional compatibility in between these two. I am vacillating even now.
I look at her facebook photos and think... man, she is so cute and I will miss her so much...
And for the other extreme-- Wow, I am finally done! Who do I want to date now?

...Maybe I am messed up...

Monday, March 19, 2007

Another one bites the dust

Well, guess who is a complete idiot? Ryan is. I’ve come to realize that I really miss a girl, and that I want to have another chance to be committed to her. I really ruined things… She came to hear me sing yesterday morning for a Sacrament Mtg. It meant a lot to her that I come and see her play her violin in her Sacrament Mtg., and I wasn’t there. I am a complete idiot and I feel dumb as could be. I just hope that I can somehow be something to her after all the dumb things I’ve pulled… I understand that dating really becomes inconsequential when the summer is 3 weeks away, but I want to be at a point where I can mean something to her when the summer comes… I don’t want us to separate to our lives without some connection when the semester ends… I want to have the connection that we can do things together this summer… I want her to come climbing with me, I want to go do some water sports with her and her family… I wish I hadn’t been so dumb, but I have been… I just wish I could hold her, but I don’t deserve that privilege. I am so completely awed with her maturity and depth of understanding in relationships… I have no understanding of it and am completely abashed with the entire situation. She was doing everything to care more about my happiness than other things in her life, and I hadn’t the slightest clue what was happening or what she was doing because I haven’t deserved that or been able to do that like she did. It’s funny… the very things that had bothered me about her, she brought up as things that I had never learned about her last night… She was too hyper for me; there wasn’t enough of a deep connection… She brought up that I hadn’t ever seen the serious ****, or the deeply musical **** and it is very true. I even lost the perfect opportunity for that opportunity yesterday when I didn’t go an hear her play… FREAK! I am an idiot!
I thought I was smart. Man, I was wrong! I thought I would be good in a relationship… I was very misguided. Funny huh? Yeah, me neither…

Thursday, February 8, 2007

Damages

so, it's been awhile... I feel slightly torn up emotionally as a result of the events of the last few months, the principle reason I've written anything here, dating this girl.

I am really happy right now though. Life is treating me very well. I have been super busy with everything that I have before me... I have hard classes, and 2 jobs, basically. I am busy. I am dating again, but it feels pushed. I don't think I am really ready to let anyone else into my heart... I don't think the doorway is open right now. I get really torn, I am stoked to go on a date because she will be an awesome girl, but the next day, I will be dreading the event... it kinda sucks... I just wish I could be myself again, just want to have fun.... but I am looking for something meaningful because I've been giving myself in a meaningful way without being truly reciprocated and even that was so enjoyable compared to the worthless dating I had been doing before.

Because of that, I am stuck in my little limbo world. I want to date because that is what I would be doing as a single man again, but at the same time, I want to have the old closeness to an individual that I felt. I knew she would listen, I knew she would care. I knew I could always talk to her. The negative was that she wouldn't ever open up to me the way I would to her.

I want to be back to a grounded position where I don't fluctuate in my interest levels... I want to be semi-normal again... Well, what's life without a challenge... I just don't like the ones I don't know how to overcome...

Monday, January 15, 2007

Done

Well, I spoke to the young lady and just told her that I needed to know and understand some things. Essentially, this entire time she has been dating this boy in Provo. She has been cheating on him with me. So, I'm worth just enough to cause much confusion in her, but not enough to date. So, I'm finally done and moving on. I am tired of not having an equally yoked interest. She hasn't been reciprocating and has been very unclear and confused, therefore she is also confusing, this whole time and I really am grateful to have been able to learn from the experience. I think I will be done hurting soon... I hope so... I was fine earlier today, but now I am starting to reflect more and more on the experiences... I really am sick of the entire experience though. I've learned how important it will be for me to have someone who is as interested in me as I am in her. I need to have someone who is passionate about pursuing a relationship with me. I need more passion. Healthy passion is very important to my emotional health when I am letting my heart be open, at least, I think so, I've never experienced it... I'm relieved. I am done!

Sunday, January 14, 2007

An Unfortunate Event...

This may be incorrectly titled. The event of which I speak is actually a positive one from the perspective I held a month ago. However, in my current state, I am unsure how I feel about it....

I had a really good time with the young lady yesterday. I woke up after staying up way too late and spoke to her about the plans. I picked her up a little bit after 1 and we went to Salt Lake to my home, where we grabbed the gear needed to go snowshoeing. We went about 2.5 miles up a canyon, started freezing and headed back down. Her nose froze, and then her fingers, so I gave my gloves to her and used some thin fleece ones that did almost nothing as we snowshoed and then sledded down the last 1/2 mile to the car. I quite literally froze my hands and it was rather painful, all things considered. It was a great experience; the kind that are memorable in the pain and potential for injury that accompany them.

We came back to my home to warm up and then went to one of my old friends to eat dinner before we were going Disco Skating. It was great food but we had to run early to help my family move sheets of Drywall because my dad's arm was going numb, which isn't a good sign... We went Disco Skating and met my friend Rob and his girlfriend there. We skated around for an hour and a half and then decided to come back to my place to chill and watch a movie. It was fun and I got to hold her for a long time, and we just sat and talked after it was over, while cuddling... It was pretty sweet; I'm not gonna lie! All said, I spent from 1 to 3:30 in the morning with her.

It was great but for the fact that I want to get over her so that I can't keep hurting; and now I am left still liking her and being incredibly impressed with her in how she tackled the snowshoeing adventure. She was kicking my butt up the hill and that is really attractive because, I'm not very slow. I usually think I'm pretty fast... We moved pretty well, it was 2.5 miles in about 2 hours... maybe that isn't very fast... dang, I'm outta shape... She hates the cold, at she was incredible about the entire experience. I am impressed and now I fear that I will miss her again and that it will hurt, again...

I don't like getting hurt!

Saturday, January 13, 2007

Resolution

Well, I'm here in Provo. I'm hanging out visiting a friend and a girl I may have talked about previously and I'm not looking forward to seeing her tomorrow, or actually, later today... But that will take some discussion to explain I suppose...

I was feeling very pained. Ever since the girl returned to Provo, things had changed and I've been struggling with the stress and pain that the situation that has been bringing me. I suppose that I've been brought to the point because I have let myself care about someone. I've come to realize in the course of my life, especially recently, that the way I date is a defense mechanism against getting myself involved with someone enough that it can progress. I am scared of girls! I suppose that I should work on that, at the ripe age of 22... Anyway... I've been hurting and I finally realized why... It's because I am more committed to her than she is to me. She is indecisive and I haven't been, therefore, I am hurting and I think she is just indecisive.

And so, I come to this point; the point of pain or progress. I think that after 2.5 months of enduring this pain I might need to defend my heart from the pain I have been experiencing. It's a possibility I don't usually consider, but this time, I think it is the only option. I've taken the beginning steps towards that end by thinking about who I would ask out, and asking out a young lady.

I'm unable to take any more of this without her actually being open and truthful with me. She hasn't been able to do that with herself, let alone with me. I am tired of the pain. I can't continue to pursue my feelings when they aren't reciprocated. I can't tear myself apart like that anymore. It's too much to ask, when I don't think she can or will change her mind.

Things aren't working out for the future she was living for, so now, I think the principle of living in the future is even more evident.

And so, I am not excited to spend time with her, because I will want to hold her and can't.... It's gonna hurt! I am not strong enough anymore! I don't have the strength to endure it any longer, or I don't know of such strength. I've exhausted all my options and must simply move away from the source of the pain. I like the source though, which makes it all so much harder to bear....

Saturday, January 6, 2007

Progression

Hmm, well, here I am two and a half weeks later. I drove the girl to her new school, knowing that the way things were wouldn't be returning. Things were so not where I wanted them to be, but at least they were good in some way.
Now, I am just even more confused. The conversation has just progressed since she moved away from me. Now, I think we are even closer than we had ever been... She stopped by to see me, eat some food, and stand up during her cross-country drive. There is nothing I want more than to hear that she is over the guy and wanting to pursue a relationship with me.
I crave that news... but I am getting more and more frightened and nervous about what is going to happen now that she has returned from her Christmas break and is at her new school... with him. I want her to be happy... but I also want to be happy...
Even though I want things to work out... I'm scared that they will work out, because then it won't be getting easier... It will be harder, almost, but it would be so worth it to be able to call her mine. She is so amazing that I can't stand it. I am struggling...
I have been feeling so torn... I just want to talk to her all the time, but I don't want to be clingy. She tends to wait for me to call her... I think that she just has the principle of "the guy calls" firmly entrenched... yet she will call... but she has to wait until it's been longer than I want it to have been... She misses me, I miss her, but I have a hard time waiting for her to call me... I get fragile and insecure about the relationship we do have because I don't know where she stands right now... I don't think she does either... so what good would it do to talk about it?
She knows what I want. She knows that I will support her decisions... She knows that I will treat her right... She knows I will support her with everything that I can give; but it's hard for me to continue to have a hope for things, when there is so much distance involved, so much history, and so much failure. I miss her, I wish we were together, but right now, I think I need to be strong and hold out for her phone call...