'I need to wash my hair' and other excuses

I feel like I can vent about something, so I'll post it here for anyone bored enough to peruse my rant.

I just received a return phone call from a girl. She made some comments about how her 'classes were going to be hard' and 'lots of things going on' with her family. While these are likely valid statements; they are no less complete BS. What she really is saying is: 'you aren't someone I feel is worth my valuable time.' Now, this is admittedly a harsh phrasing of her meaning; yet it really grasps its reality. I'll admit that for me, this is a relatively easy thing to accept, as the fact that she doesn't know me is the reason for the rejection. Hence, I can retain me confidence that if she really knew me, there wouldn't be that problem. There is a tinge of regret, as this girl was really going to get the best of my considerable dating expertise; she is someone I find intimidating which results in motivation in planning.

I'll admit that I didn't make it easy for her to ramble through her logical reasons why she doesn't have time for me. I remained silent and attentive to her words while she went through all the reasons she could muster. At the end, I kinda let her have it... with decent restraint, I think. I told her she'd done a good job expressing all her reasons. I then, and I'm really proud of this, I wished her luck with the trials and tribulations of her difficult life and her difficult classes. I may have overstepped things with 'it must be hard to be so busy.' However, I feel pretty good with myself.

Tales from a strange land

Well, as our AC doesn't work, I can't take my customary sunday nap and instead am going to blog.

I picked my title because Provo gets stranger and stranger the longer I am here. As much as I have come to love the friends I have made here; I also grow more aware of the eccentricities that knock Provo down the list of places I want to live. That being said, I can't think of a place that is probably better for me right now.

That being said, I'd like to relate a story that adds to my list of crazy dating experiences... This one comes at the end of a lovely experience dating a nice girl; 21, smart, sharp wit, pretty, but neurotic enough to like me... Anyway, I felt like things weren't going to work out, after 5 weeks, and had a talk, actually 3 talks over 3 days, and broke up. I thought we were good, but a week after the first talk, I got a text while at a family gathering. In it she made reference to a previous conversation when she'd said she wasn't good at hating people and then stated that she was learning; followed by 'Congratulations.'

Anyway, so I tried to find out why she hated me and she replied with a short list: ...figured out what you did... ...not everyone has dated like a bajillion people... ...this was a big deal for me... ...you used me...

Crazy right? So, I had a lovely talk with her about that; naturally, but she conceded that she really didn't think any of those things but was just having a really hard time with everything. I can understand that and all... but I was just very surprised to have such craziness dished out on me. So, that's my story. Hope you enjoyed it more than I did... haha.

Ego

This last July 4th, I hung out with a good friend of mine, one I'd known since fall of 2005. She and I were talking about life back then and particularly about how incredibly arrogant and prideful I was. I've thought often on her observation. I really was conceited. Now that I've recognized that, I realized that I was the kind of person that I've always found annoying.

That being said, I was also happy then. Maybe this is just the 'rose colored glasses' thing, but I really think I was happy then. I was also more decisive, bolder, and decidedly less tasteful. I wore garish outfits and told stories about myself with gusto. I was my own hero and I was so sure that everyone would love me if only they knew enough about me. I bet girls just laughed at me.

I am different now. I am more composed, more reserved, and a much more effective student. However, I've lost a lot of the capacity I had to be likeable. There wasn't much mystery with the old me. I was just me. Now, I've got layers and protection. I've become a shelled person. My date plans used to always be centered on breaking shells, but I've actually immunized myself against shell breaking. I don't take chances; I protect myself by knowing exactly how to avoid breaking my own shell.

I think I'm missing out on something sweet. I think I'm missing out on the chance to benefit from growing outside my comfort zone. Yep, I'm a bum. Crap.

Flirting Homework... it's a rough life in Idaho!

Thursday, November 15, 2007 12:09 AM

Well, today was an interesting one. I always enjoy Wednesdays because I am so busy I can’t waste time. Today was no exception. As a funny story, I feel like writing about what happened while I was taking pictures to illustrate the different sections of the paper I am writing with a girl in my class about dating/flirting and general relationships. The paper is a blast to write and I am thoroughly enjoying working with this girl. She is much cooler than I could have thought, but that doesn’t really matter for this story. We took pictures of people proposing, flirting, dating, doorstep sceneing, swooning, and screaming out their elation at a return phone call. For the swooning, we had visited about 8 girl apartments, taking dozens of photos that just didn’t quite do it… Finally, we are knocking on doors in my ward to find a girl who can pull off the swoon. I knocked on a door of a girl (I’ll call her Lesley) I took out just Saturday for the second time. I kinda like her, not sure yet, but still, there is a history. I expected her to be out, she usually is on Wed. nights at an event on campus. Tonight, tonight she surprised me. So, I show up, knocking at her door with a cute girl from my English class to take “pictures about dating,” and asking her to swoon like she just got off a great date. She pulled it off marvelously, in one single shot! It was amazing, but then the two girls started talking… girls… and both of them kept giving me the eye of “all-knowing girl power.” It was disturbing and had to stop so I pointed out that Lesley needed to “keep studying.” Boo yah, ackward situation ended… It was the final picture, so classmate and I were done.

Unfortunately I had embarked on a research project plan to study the efficacy of various flirting techniques. In hind sight, I give it 2 thumbs down. It is incredibly difficult to flirt with dozens of girls at a country dancing night without dancing with every single one… It took work and more courage than I wanted to expend. I eventually started using this lame line to initiate conversation… “Do you know how much polar bears weigh? (negative response) Me neither, but I bet it’s enough to break the ice!” Lame huh? I was actually saying that tonight! I’ve gotten much worse at flirting over the last 2 years… How did that happen? Have I become more lame? Well, I gave it my best shot and unfortunately I will have to do another night of it after Thanksgiving break.

Learning hurts

Well, here I am. I met a lovely young lady in February who, amazingly, liked me. We began to date a little and clicked, we hooked up, and then I broke up. I realized I missed her and so I slowly convinced her to give me "another shot." We finally got back right before the semester broke up for the summer in early April. I drove to her home in Twin Falls to see her, she came back and helped with an orientation program I had worked on; then we went our separate ways for the summer. In early May, she was down here in Utah and we spent a day together. All was well! This last week, something wasn't feeling right about the entire situation... I have been feeling emotionally ill about everything. Tonight, she broke up with me. My guess is that she has developed feelings for another guy. We haven't missed a single night of talking on the phone since we parted our ways for the summer. Now it begins. I feel relief. I have been constantly reversing my feelings for her, not of my own choice, and it is good to have an opportunity to resolve the issues in my life without this complication. She is a fantastic girl and has so much to offer... but the timing, if not the entire relationship, wasn't so good... I am better now. I have learned this well, that dating will always be a painful experience. I have never had such a great time with anyone... but there has been so much bad too... I feel like the two experiences I have had in the 9 months have taught me the extremes. Now I must look for emotional compatibility in between these two. I am vacillating even now.
I look at her facebook photos and think... man, she is so cute and I will miss her so much...
And for the other extreme-- Wow, I am finally done! Who do I want to date now?

...Maybe I am messed up...

Another one bites the dust

Well, guess who is a complete idiot? Ryan is. I’ve come to realize that I really miss a girl, and that I want to have another chance to be committed to her. I really ruined things… She came to hear me sing yesterday morning for a Sacrament Mtg. It meant a lot to her that I come and see her play her violin in her Sacrament Mtg., and I wasn’t there. I am a complete idiot and I feel dumb as could be. I just hope that I can somehow be something to her after all the dumb things I’ve pulled… I understand that dating really becomes inconsequential when the summer is 3 weeks away, but I want to be at a point where I can mean something to her when the summer comes… I don’t want us to separate to our lives without some connection when the semester ends… I want to have the connection that we can do things together this summer… I want her to come climbing with me, I want to go do some water sports with her and her family… I wish I hadn’t been so dumb, but I have been… I just wish I could hold her, but I don’t deserve that privilege. I am so completely awed with her maturity and depth of understanding in relationships… I have no understanding of it and am completely abashed with the entire situation. She was doing everything to care more about my happiness than other things in her life, and I hadn’t the slightest clue what was happening or what she was doing because I haven’t deserved that or been able to do that like she did. It’s funny… the very things that had bothered me about her, she brought up as things that I had never learned about her last night… She was too hyper for me; there wasn’t enough of a deep connection… She brought up that I hadn’t ever seen the serious ****, or the deeply musical **** and it is very true. I even lost the perfect opportunity for that opportunity yesterday when I didn’t go an hear her play… FREAK! I am an idiot!
I thought I was smart. Man, I was wrong! I thought I would be good in a relationship… I was very misguided. Funny huh? Yeah, me neither…

Damages

so, it's been awhile... I feel slightly torn up emotionally as a result of the events of the last few months, the principle reason I've written anything here, dating this girl.

I am really happy right now though. Life is treating me very well. I have been super busy with everything that I have before me... I have hard classes, and 2 jobs, basically. I am busy. I am dating again, but it feels pushed. I don't think I am really ready to let anyone else into my heart... I don't think the doorway is open right now. I get really torn, I am stoked to go on a date because she will be an awesome girl, but the next day, I will be dreading the event... it kinda sucks... I just wish I could be myself again, just want to have fun.... but I am looking for something meaningful because I've been giving myself in a meaningful way without being truly reciprocated and even that was so enjoyable compared to the worthless dating I had been doing before.

Because of that, I am stuck in my little limbo world. I want to date because that is what I would be doing as a single man again, but at the same time, I want to have the old closeness to an individual that I felt. I knew she would listen, I knew she would care. I knew I could always talk to her. The negative was that she wouldn't ever open up to me the way I would to her.

I want to be back to a grounded position where I don't fluctuate in my interest levels... I want to be semi-normal again... Well, what's life without a challenge... I just don't like the ones I don't know how to overcome...

An Unfortunate Event...

This may be incorrectly titled. The event of which I speak is actually a positive one from the perspective I held a month ago. However, in my current state, I am unsure how I feel about it....

I had a really good time with the young lady yesterday. I woke up after staying up way too late and spoke to her about the plans. I picked her up a little bit after 1 and we went to Salt Lake to my home, where we grabbed the gear needed to go snowshoeing. We went about 2.5 miles up a canyon, started freezing and headed back down. Her nose froze, and then her fingers, so I gave my gloves to her and used some thin fleece ones that did almost nothing as we snowshoed and then sledded down the last 1/2 mile to the car. I quite literally froze my hands and it was rather painful, all things considered. It was a great experience; the kind that are memorable in the pain and potential for injury that accompany them.

We came back to my home to warm up and then went to one of my old friends to eat dinner before we were going Disco Skating. It was great food but we had to run early to help my family move sheets of Drywall because my dad's arm was going numb, which isn't a good sign... We went Disco Skating and met my friend Rob and his girlfriend there. We skated around for an hour and a half and then decided to come back to my place to chill and watch a movie. It was fun and I got to hold her for a long time, and we just sat and talked after it was over, while cuddling... It was pretty sweet; I'm not gonna lie! All said, I spent from 1 to 3:30 in the morning with her.

It was great but for the fact that I want to get over her so that I can't keep hurting; and now I am left still liking her and being incredibly impressed with her in how she tackled the snowshoeing adventure. She was kicking my butt up the hill and that is really attractive because, I'm not very slow. I usually think I'm pretty fast... We moved pretty well, it was 2.5 miles in about 2 hours... maybe that isn't very fast... dang, I'm outta shape... She hates the cold, at she was incredible about the entire experience. I am impressed and now I fear that I will miss her again and that it will hurt, again...

I don't like getting hurt!

Resolution

Well, I'm here in Provo. I'm hanging out visiting a friend and a girl I may have talked about previously and I'm not looking forward to seeing her tomorrow, or actually, later today... But that will take some discussion to explain I suppose...

I was feeling very pained. Ever since the girl returned to Provo, things had changed and I've been struggling with the stress and pain that the situation that has been bringing me. I suppose that I've been brought to the point because I have let myself care about someone. I've come to realize in the course of my life, especially recently, that the way I date is a defense mechanism against getting myself involved with someone enough that it can progress. I am scared of girls! I suppose that I should work on that, at the ripe age of 22... Anyway... I've been hurting and I finally realized why... It's because I am more committed to her than she is to me. She is indecisive and I haven't been, therefore, I am hurting and I think she is just indecisive.

And so, I come to this point; the point of pain or progress. I think that after 2.5 months of enduring this pain I might need to defend my heart from the pain I have been experiencing. It's a possibility I don't usually consider, but this time, I think it is the only option. I've taken the beginning steps towards that end by thinking about who I would ask out, and asking out a young lady.

I'm unable to take any more of this without her actually being open and truthful with me. She hasn't been able to do that with herself, let alone with me. I am tired of the pain. I can't continue to pursue my feelings when they aren't reciprocated. I can't tear myself apart like that anymore. It's too much to ask, when I don't think she can or will change her mind.

Things aren't working out for the future she was living for, so now, I think the principle of living in the future is even more evident.

And so, I am not excited to spend time with her, because I will want to hold her and can't.... It's gonna hurt! I am not strong enough anymore! I don't have the strength to endure it any longer, or I don't know of such strength. I've exhausted all my options and must simply move away from the source of the pain. I like the source though, which makes it all so much harder to bear....

Progression

Hmm, well, here I am two and a half weeks later. I drove the girl to her new school, knowing that the way things were wouldn't be returning. Things were so not where I wanted them to be, but at least they were good in some way.
Now, I am just even more confused. The conversation has just progressed since she moved away from me. Now, I think we are even closer than we had ever been... She stopped by to see me, eat some food, and stand up during her cross-country drive. There is nothing I want more than to hear that she is over the guy and wanting to pursue a relationship with me.
I crave that news... but I am getting more and more frightened and nervous about what is going to happen now that she has returned from her Christmas break and is at her new school... with him. I want her to be happy... but I also want to be happy...
Even though I want things to work out... I'm scared that they will work out, because then it won't be getting easier... It will be harder, almost, but it would be so worth it to be able to call her mine. She is so amazing that I can't stand it. I am struggling...
I have been feeling so torn... I just want to talk to her all the time, but I don't want to be clingy. She tends to wait for me to call her... I think that she just has the principle of "the guy calls" firmly entrenched... yet she will call... but she has to wait until it's been longer than I want it to have been... She misses me, I miss her, but I have a hard time waiting for her to call me... I get fragile and insecure about the relationship we do have because I don't know where she stands right now... I don't think she does either... so what good would it do to talk about it?
She knows what I want. She knows that I will support her decisions... She knows that I will treat her right... She knows I will support her with everything that I can give; but it's hard for me to continue to have a hope for things, when there is so much distance involved, so much history, and so much failure. I miss her, I wish we were together, but right now, I think I need to be strong and hold out for her phone call...

Hurting...

Well, I waxed a little bold and laid out the facts before her tonight... It was an interesting experience. I know she likes me, and I know that I like her. Things don't have to end, but as far as where they will go... I have no idea... I can't tell but I am willing to give it my best shot for the future... I feel bad because instead of keeping my feelings locked away in my heart, where they don't hurt anyone but me... I shared them with her and have essentially sent the pain completely over to her. I feel bad for her, why did I do that to her? Perhaps, I knew what I was doing and acted without concern because I wanted to avoid the doubts that plague me as I fail to express myself adequately for the feelings behind my soul... I feel bad that I did that to her, even as she is feeling bad for causing me to feel that way. Who knows what will happen in the entirety, but I hope that these times can be fond memories for her as they are for me... I wish she was mine... I've had a really good time...

BLAH!!!

Words cannot describe my frustration at the current situation and at my inability to do anything more than hope. All my frustration tends to come full circle from the situation and get pointed at myself and then I get sad. I'm sad. I hurt. My stone heart is cracking... I can't see how I can succeed and I just want the pain to go away so that I can focus on life again without distraction. I suppose that the flaw in that thought process is that I am not really living life with my heart and when I do, for once, I want to run away to protect myself from the pain that can occur.... Wish granted... I said I wanted to experience some heartache... I think I am getting a delivery.... Dumb Ryan.... stop wishing you could grow! This is what you get, real feelings, and the real pain that follows because nothing will ever work out for you because that is just the way it goes.... I don't really believe that. I don't believe that at all. I know something will work out.... the only question is when? And the other "only" question is; Can I survive until then? Answer: Ba-na-na.... Co-co-nut....

Miss You-Know-Who-You-Are

Well, you've decided to visit... Welcome! I hope that the contents of these entries won't be traumatizing... I'm sure you are able to read me like an open book and know what I think of you, but here I have put it to words: the frustrations, the fears, the pain, the highs, the lows...
I have to be honest about these things. I don't want to live my life with regrets of roads not traveled because of fears or difficulties. I just want you to know the truth. Truth sets us free; it gives us the knowledge we need to make our choices. I obviously; and amazingly, considering my history and experiences; have a great desire to continue to develop a relationship with you. I haven't ever experienced things like this before and have to pursue it to the end, to the best of my abilities... This is how I try to live my life and how I have to be in this aspect as well.
I'm sorry that I can't be my normal self so that you can just realize that I am not a total dweeb. I'm trying but I haven't been able to pull it off. I am intimidated by you. I think you are amazing. I want you to respect me and understand me because I feel like you might understand how things could be. I'm digging myself a hole to hide in with this discourse, but honesty is.... worth lots? Hemingway could fire off his retort about big words, or lengthy sermons being a poor method to communicate, but I do the best I can!
Continuing... I don't really have any recommendations, I started writing about you in the note GOO!!! so you might want to consider starting there... It might give the best flow... Who knows, you are a big girl, with a big, well-developed brain... I think you've got all the necessary keys to understand what I have been saying... oh, shoot, you actually need a healthy dose of oddity and insanity to really comprehend what is going on in my head, so I suppose that all I can say is: GOOD LUCK!!!

Closure...

I have come to a point where all I want out of this relationship, since things are looking terminal because she has been living in the future instead of the present and giving this a chance, is closure. I just want to know that she did like me and that if things were different that there was possibilities for us. I suppose this is the final defence mechanism for me in my emotional life. I have to know that it wasn't my fault and or that it was the circumstance. I don't think I will hear differently in the forseeable future because girls are usually nice and wouldn't admit that to me... My theme song "I had a good time" from Boston, talks about, well, I'm gonna look up the lyrics...

Hey, you can be so unfair
And you know I will remember
You said you'd always be there
When you go

Hey, I wanted you to know
I wish you were mine
And I, I just wanted you to know
I had a good time
Ooh I, I had a really good time

You can lie and I'll still believe it
It's OK, it doesn't matter
I know that you really mean it
In your own way

Hey, I wanted you to know
I wish you were mine
And I, I just wanted you to know
I had a good time
Ooh I, I had a really good time

You know what you want
Well maybe love is blind
But's alright, it's cool
I just wanted you to know
I had a really good time

Well I've been in love
But nothing lasts forever
So just hold on long enough
And maybe you'll end up together
It's alright, yeah, yeah, yeah

You can lie to my face and I'll believe it
It's OK, 'cause there's a feeling you can't replace
You didn't mean it anyway

Hey, I wanted you to know
I wish you were mine And I,
I just wanted you to know
I had a good time
Ooh I, I had a really good time

I suppose that the experience of the last two months will definitely have taught me things, but I do believe that I have lost what could have been more wonderful than it has been because I get so weird, and because I have been struggling in my consistency in my relationship with her. I get so affected with doubts when I feel like I want to be close to someone and things aren't working out. I am just a psycho in relationships... I really am convinced that I wouldn't set myself up on a date. I'm so weird! I really want things to work out in some way, but the glorious thing about the entire experience is that I am really okay with whatever happens... I feel like I have learned much from her and that I am better because of her. I hope that things work out because I don't want to lose her, but decisions are made... I will respect her enough to know that she can choose her life. I've enjoyed what we've had...

DTR

Well, I did it, I talked to her about things. I told her that I would miss her when she leaves. I told her that I wished she wasn't leaving. We discussed things, she basically told me that there is competition that causes her to be very reticent to enter a relationship. I talked to her about my history and how I feel like I know what I look for. She told me about her past relationships and the things she learned from them. It was a very interesting conversation and I think I acted like an idiot again. We talked about some of the ways I view the world and I think she came to understand why I have acted so strangely around her. Who knows what is going on? We are a little closer to knowing and understanding each other now that the avenue of conversation has been opened, but it hasn't solved any problems yet... I guess that all I know right now is that I haven't killed it yet. There is still hope for this... I hope it works out positively for me, because I am definitely emotionally involved to the point of getting hurt if things never work out. I am falling for her!

I have come to realize the importance of one of her phrases. She told me that she dated a boy who was very bad for her for 10 months. He liked his understanding of who she was. She was constantly pressured by him to be a specific aspect of her personality instead of the package deal. I think that she is concerned that I like her so much. She feels I must be doing the same thing that this former guy did. I feel that there could be some truth to it, but I think that there can be a progression in it. I feel like I would like to know her well enough to like the real her. I feel like she is very concerned about that and I want to be sure that I am sincere in my interest in the real her. I definitely am not motivated by anything other than wonder and awe with the person she is thus far, and the key, I believe, is that I want to know everything about her. I want to get to know the entire package so that I can like the complete person that she is. It takes time, all that I can say at this point is that everything I know of her I like. What comes next, I don't know and that can only be approached when it comes my way.

About that distance...

Well, I discovered last night that homework is more important to her than I am, which is acceptable and attractive, despite the pain that it brings with it. I just remembered that I'd had the information necessary to understand an etiological factor in her distance. She was in a relationship last winter semester and was broken up with during finals in April. I feel bad that she had to deal with that but I look at it now and see how that is a likely reason she is maintaining a distance with me. I think she likes me, we spend a lot of time together and despite my nervousness, lack of confidence, stumbling attempts at speaking, weird comments, obsessive habits, and other obvious lacks I have discovered since I've met her, she appears to enjoy the time we spend together enough to join me again and again as I continue to pursue her. I know that as time passes, she will be less and less likely to open up to me, as the day of her departure from this place approaches; therefore, I need to bring this to light, to her light. The time is now, or maybe later, or maybe this weekend... But soon, definitely soon...

As my title suggests... I am rambling... It is about a young lady though

Well, I am here, at this point in my life where I feel like I need to take the steps to establish where things can go. I have never felt this way about anyone before. I think that she likes me, I see many reasons to believe so, but she is also maintaining a distance. I suspect that the distance comes because she is transferring to a different school in 3 weeks.
I don't want things to change. I know that if time were available, things could resolve themselves, but I don't have that luxury. I know that I feel very strongly that she has the qualities I look for in a person I would marry. I am not sure if that is the direction I think this will be heading, but I do feel like this is finally a girl whom I could.
I must somehow prepare myself to have an all important discussion with this girl. I need to define the relationship. I am okay with whatever happens, but I definitely want things to progress, albeit at a much slower pace when we are separated by 300 miles. I originally just wanted to write what I would say to her, but I am not quite ready for that yet, I will try to prepare myself and my thoughts to the point where I can be ready to tell her what is important to me. I need to do so to allow myself to prepare for the remainder of the semester with it's incumbent tests. I need to discover how I really feel as I approach that moment. I have recently become frightened because I have diminished in my whoopedness over this girl. I have become somewhat normal again, but along with that I have lessened in my desires to pursue. I worry that I will again run away from a marvelous girl, just because I am weird and can't be consistent in my dating endeavors. She has changed me for the better, no matter what happens...

Girl

So, I have had this experience of note in the last month or so. I have had the wonderful opportunity to meet a girl in whom I see a marvelous mix of attributes that compliment mine in a way I've never experienced, but even more importantly, who I have begun to fall for in a way I've only heard of, never experienced. She is incredible. I don't have words to describe her completely because I respect most people and admire many people, and she blows me away with the combination of good looks, spirituality, emotional maturity, coolness, funniness, intelligence, attitude, happiness, maturity, priorities, energy, and pretty much everything except for her spelling and math skills. She is driven, pursues challenges and success in what she wants to accomplish, is beautiful and totally down to earth. I could love a girl like her with all my heart for eternity. If it will be her, only time will tell as she will be moving away to go to a different school 300 miles away from me in January... All I know, even though I can't act normally when I am around her because I am so intimidated by her, is that I want to hold her close, to be with her for the all the time she will let me, but that I don't want to get hurt and I know that this is finally a girl who can do it. I am very close to not knowing what I should do about it. I know what I should do about it, but I don't know if I can do that, the uncertainty of what will happen when I talk to her about things gives me pause. I don't want to ruin what I would miss if she no longer allows me to be near her for the next 3 weeks... That makes me fear losing the first girl that I really am falling for...

GOO!

I haven't done this before, so I am going to give it my best shot. I feel like happiness. I rarely ever have any other primary emotion in my life. I am just happy; but sometimes... a girl will strike!
I'll be moving along, minding my own business when I am struck with a girl who probably doesn't even know it, but quite suddenly she has an influence on my life and my happiness level. I definitely enjoy those moments, but it still stinks to have the downs associated with it. I don't know why I seem to fall so quickly, but I pick myself up almost as quickly, so I guess it isn't all bad. I could fall fast and hard and then take a year recovering... so I am still counting my blessings on that one. All is well in Zion, Zion prospereth, all is well... Anyway, I suppose that I am going to recover again from this one when I mess this one up... But in the mean time, I will stay on my rollercoaster of confusion.

Oh, so I am apparently not done venting... I am usually confident and able to talk normally, to be funny, but recently I have lost all ability to be normal around a girl. She has thrown me so far out of control over my life that I am unable to talk to her. I can't get over it, and the poor girl has this usually cool guy who suddenly can't talk or look her in the eyes for very long, or hold a normal conversation, who says really dumb stuff all the time.... great times huh? So now, now I am done.