Ego

This last July 4th, I hung out with a good friend of mine, one I'd known since fall of 2005. She and I were talking about life back then and particularly about how incredibly arrogant and prideful I was. I've thought often on her observation. I really was conceited. Now that I've recognized that, I realized that I was the kind of person that I've always found annoying.

That being said, I was also happy then. Maybe this is just the 'rose colored glasses' thing, but I really think I was happy then. I was also more decisive, bolder, and decidedly less tasteful. I wore garish outfits and told stories about myself with gusto. I was my own hero and I was so sure that everyone would love me if only they knew enough about me. I bet girls just laughed at me.

I am different now. I am more composed, more reserved, and a much more effective student. However, I've lost a lot of the capacity I had to be likeable. There wasn't much mystery with the old me. I was just me. Now, I've got layers and protection. I've become a shelled person. My date plans used to always be centered on breaking shells, but I've actually immunized myself against shell breaking. I don't take chances; I protect myself by knowing exactly how to avoid breaking my own shell.

I think I'm missing out on something sweet. I think I'm missing out on the chance to benefit from growing outside my comfort zone. Yep, I'm a bum. Crap.

Learning hurts

Well, here I am. I met a lovely young lady in February who, amazingly, liked me. We began to date a little and clicked, we hooked up, and then I broke up. I realized I missed her and so I slowly convinced her to give me "another shot." We finally got back right before the semester broke up for the summer in early April. I drove to her home in Twin Falls to see her, she came back and helped with an orientation program I had worked on; then we went our separate ways for the summer. In early May, she was down here in Utah and we spent a day together. All was well! This last week, something wasn't feeling right about the entire situation... I have been feeling emotionally ill about everything. Tonight, she broke up with me. My guess is that she has developed feelings for another guy. We haven't missed a single night of talking on the phone since we parted our ways for the summer. Now it begins. I feel relief. I have been constantly reversing my feelings for her, not of my own choice, and it is good to have an opportunity to resolve the issues in my life without this complication. She is a fantastic girl and has so much to offer... but the timing, if not the entire relationship, wasn't so good... I am better now. I have learned this well, that dating will always be a painful experience. I have never had such a great time with anyone... but there has been so much bad too... I feel like the two experiences I have had in the 9 months have taught me the extremes. Now I must look for emotional compatibility in between these two. I am vacillating even now.
I look at her facebook photos and think... man, she is so cute and I will miss her so much...
And for the other extreme-- Wow, I am finally done! Who do I want to date now?

...Maybe I am messed up...

Another one bites the dust

Well, guess who is a complete idiot? Ryan is. I’ve come to realize that I really miss a girl, and that I want to have another chance to be committed to her. I really ruined things… She came to hear me sing yesterday morning for a Sacrament Mtg. It meant a lot to her that I come and see her play her violin in her Sacrament Mtg., and I wasn’t there. I am a complete idiot and I feel dumb as could be. I just hope that I can somehow be something to her after all the dumb things I’ve pulled… I understand that dating really becomes inconsequential when the summer is 3 weeks away, but I want to be at a point where I can mean something to her when the summer comes… I don’t want us to separate to our lives without some connection when the semester ends… I want to have the connection that we can do things together this summer… I want her to come climbing with me, I want to go do some water sports with her and her family… I wish I hadn’t been so dumb, but I have been… I just wish I could hold her, but I don’t deserve that privilege. I am so completely awed with her maturity and depth of understanding in relationships… I have no understanding of it and am completely abashed with the entire situation. She was doing everything to care more about my happiness than other things in her life, and I hadn’t the slightest clue what was happening or what she was doing because I haven’t deserved that or been able to do that like she did. It’s funny… the very things that had bothered me about her, she brought up as things that I had never learned about her last night… She was too hyper for me; there wasn’t enough of a deep connection… She brought up that I hadn’t ever seen the serious ****, or the deeply musical **** and it is very true. I even lost the perfect opportunity for that opportunity yesterday when I didn’t go an hear her play… FREAK! I am an idiot!
I thought I was smart. Man, I was wrong! I thought I would be good in a relationship… I was very misguided. Funny huh? Yeah, me neither…

Damages

so, it's been awhile... I feel slightly torn up emotionally as a result of the events of the last few months, the principle reason I've written anything here, dating this girl.

I am really happy right now though. Life is treating me very well. I have been super busy with everything that I have before me... I have hard classes, and 2 jobs, basically. I am busy. I am dating again, but it feels pushed. I don't think I am really ready to let anyone else into my heart... I don't think the doorway is open right now. I get really torn, I am stoked to go on a date because she will be an awesome girl, but the next day, I will be dreading the event... it kinda sucks... I just wish I could be myself again, just want to have fun.... but I am looking for something meaningful because I've been giving myself in a meaningful way without being truly reciprocated and even that was so enjoyable compared to the worthless dating I had been doing before.

Because of that, I am stuck in my little limbo world. I want to date because that is what I would be doing as a single man again, but at the same time, I want to have the old closeness to an individual that I felt. I knew she would listen, I knew she would care. I knew I could always talk to her. The negative was that she wouldn't ever open up to me the way I would to her.

I want to be back to a grounded position where I don't fluctuate in my interest levels... I want to be semi-normal again... Well, what's life without a challenge... I just don't like the ones I don't know how to overcome...